1.
My girlfriend's been at a baby shower for like 3 hours that baby's gotta be so fucking clean by now what the fuck are they even doing
2.
Someone on Facebook has just discovered the concept of plants.
3.
the two genders
4.
guy: I'm 6'4", homeless, I don't have a car, I'm unemployed, and I've been arrested 6 times me: ....did you say..6… https://t.co/0V7fZNVKGD
5.
he whomsoever that canst draw the motorola from this carriageway shall be kinge of all post brexit englandde
6.
in a week its gonna be 9 years since bruno mars was surprised to see pete wentz
7.
how'd he have time to write all those plays then
8.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
9.
My ex smoked for the first time today and look what this bitch texted me
10.
favorite part of googlemaps is this man unzipping his cargo pants into cargo shorts at the grand canyon
11.
Pretty sure these aren't 32" length @ASOS 🤔🤔
12.
IF U BUMP INTO UR EX WITH HIS NEW GIRL ACT FAKE EXCITED TO MEET HER AND SINCERELY SAY "OMG I RLY LIKE UR PAJAMAS" NO MATTER WHAT SHE WEARING
13.
Hi my name is Jacob. I have your 2 large pizzas and I'm here to steal your girl
14.
THIS MF EAT SOMEBODY EVERYBODY GONNA BE "IM SHOCKED!! HE WAS SO QUIET REALLY NICE & KEPT TO HIMSELF, HONOR STUDENT"
15.
"Unlock the car Sharon, I love you. We can make this work."
16.
our cats had a fight and my parents are trying to make them resolve it lol
17.
A woman on the subway printed out 15 pages of Facebook posts and is just reading the comments 🤔
18.
i blocked my ex on everything but she some how managed to message me through direct tv
19.
My little sister's pre-language infancy was spent ardently yet fruitlessly trying to describe a spicy meatball
20.
How does she find time for airport security?
21.
braggin about havin 4 legs when there's people who only have 1, fucking disgusting
22.
One time my sister scared the shit out of my parents by walking down the stairs like this
23.
And this is why I believe I should be the next president of the United States of America.
24.
How fast was this duck going?
25.
Saw your boyfriend at the natural history museum
26.
When you ask a 1st grade class to write letters to people in a nursing home...
27.
did shrek not wear this
28.
"I actually invented Lemonade so it should be free."