1.
Dominos asked robbie how many slices he wanted his pizza cut into 4 or 6 n he said 4 cause he couldn't eat 6
2.
Ehhh, wit?
3.
Canny believe there's folk out there that dinny believe in aliens but think a cunt called Jesus moonwalked across a lake
4.
It's actually quite a fair point
5.
Results aren't everything ! A didnt do highers n look at me, am.....well am unemployed right noo but am sound as fuck
6.
Shoutout to the wee man who lives in this house n allowed 50+ strangers to drink in his garden cos the polis tried… https://t.co/fm5z39cZc2
7.
Pmsl callums just failed his driving test cause he stopped to ask me if a needed a lift 😂😂😂😂
8.
truuuu
9.
mental tae hink that you nd a pal ae urs won't be able to go to each others funeral, blew ma mind
10.
Chance ye got man
11.
imagine if toast was a4 size
12.
Why do we say Sean like shon but we dinny say bean like bon
13.
Bonnar just got pulled by the police n they asked if he had anythin on him that he shouldn't have n he said "aye ma maws socks"😂😂😂
14.
If it was up to me I'd give everybody a decent wage so they could concentrate on the shagging, football and poetry twenty four seven.
15.
Mad how yie get 6 points and a £200fine for being on yer phone yet there's folk oot there way eyelashes on there motor n getting away wae it
16.
See when people come into my work n go "you're always here" ??? mate a work here, YOU are always here
17.
Dreadin the day someone gets down on one knee and asks me to marry them cos a have a hefty double chin when a look down
18.
just need £100,000 to get me on ma feet that's aw
19.
Andy lost his ID at a gig. Some burd found it and refused to give him it back unless he brought her a thank you bal… https://t.co/57PWYAkQwR
20.
Whenever am gonny be cheeky to gemma a remember that her hand reaches the bottom of a pringles tube mines doesnt and a need that assistance
21.
She knows X
22.
primary school wa the best, a free gig every mornin just beltin out pure jesus anthems, fuckin quality
23.
baby coughin on a bus right as a needed tae cough so a nearly exploded hawdin it in cos a didny wanty look like the guy who copies babies
24.
my mum doesn't seem to understand exams
25.
you missed out on being paralytic in a field after downin strongbow at 13 for £500 ye fuckin soft ass
26.
Never understood why acts at festivals shout ' are you ready' aye two seconds pal a needty tie my lace pause the tunes
27.
Someone's hacked my bank account and bought barca v Real Madrid tickets, I'm no even mad mate wit a game you've chosen, all the best 👍🏼
28.
im at the age where people r askin "so what u doin with ur life" n im like mate am genuinely jus here for a laff x