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32 Tweets So Funny You'll Almost Forget About 2017

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1.

When your straight friend Jean makes a funny joke

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Thanks for the clarification, Dad.

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"Wow 3 tattoos.. those are pretty permanent you know" Me: wow 3 kids... those are pretty damn permanent CAROL

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my ubereats delivery man decided to be a smart ass......

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Well, that doesn't seem like a proportional response.

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yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.

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When you're so high on dentist gas the Water Buffalo Of Drugs visits you.

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Today, I flew on the set of a nightmare.

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We all deal with grief in different ways

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Delivery guy: Could I use your toilet? Me: Yes sure it's the door under the stairs. Delivery guy: Which one? Me: Er… https://t.co/GOtRgbkxsd

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"You lucky this man holding me back. Next time you say my moms neck game crazy he won't be here to save yo ass"

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14.

A simple way to help you remember how to spell "honey"

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I'm no geologist but this is quite an interesting Rock formation.

18.

Me: Who needs antidepressants? I'll just listen to Hey Ya by Outkast daily Narrator: But things were not alright alright alright alright

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my mom asked me for a pic of ed sheeran and i tried to be funny and i edited it i didnt know she was gonna frame it… https://t.co/hjxeapKCI0

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When a witch says your tongue has to float in the middle of your mouth without touching anything or you'll die.

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Me: could i have a pepsi Waiter: is pepsi ok- OMG *eyes getting watery* finally Me: *smiling through tears* yeah *we kiss*

25.

Another juggler gives up on his dreams...

26.

Roommate has date coming by later and asked me to clean bc he's not home. So I made a Princess D shrine in his room

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Me in court: your honor i would like to plead guilty as well as request the death penalty Judge: this....is a parking ticket....

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Text from mum - having trouble sticking lashes on without her glasses.. turns out she was trying to glue a dead fly… https://t.co/LkZ5ECF9uQ

31.

WIFE: This is for a tweet isn't it...

32.

Shark week is actually the safest time to go to the beach because all the sharks are busy being on TV

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