1.
most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
2.
I'll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like "Damn, that name's way cooler."
3.
David: *plays secret chord* The Lord: Nice.
4.
"The bond's Name. James Name" Pleased to... what? "Bond Name's the james" Are you alright? "Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"
5.
PUBLISHER: I hope this is better than your last book idea about a murderer called Hurderer THOMAS HARRIS: Its about a cannibal P: Go on
6.
hate when people say "if u think this is better than sex, u haven't had good sex!", like no, maybe you've just never had good lasagna, Carol
7.
That's me in the corner That's me in the spotlight That's me on the balcony That's me with our rep Carol -Michael Stipe's holiday photos
8.
GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split up ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
9.
[inventing dogs] God: ur mans best friend Dog: pretty sexist God: no, man as in every-fuck it u can't talk Dog: ... God: & chocolate kills u
10.
High school teachers: I'm MRS. HARDASS and you will take me SERIOUSLY College profs: what up I'm Josh and class is cancelled cuz I'm tired
11.
Me: I need a doctor's appointment Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow? Me: No I don't need that many
12.
HER: Im breaking up with u ME: Is it because I say "Uh Oh Spaghetti O's" when things go wrong? HER: Ya ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O's
13.
Why name hurricanes soft names like jose? Name that shit hurricane death megatron 300 and i gurentee everyone will evacuate immediately
14.
[shark tank] me: ridiculously wide sunglasses shark 1: i'm out shark 2: i'm out hammerhead shark: i'm listening
15.
What’s with this dude that keeps saying “Turn around” in “Total Eclipse of the Heart”? Man, shut the fuck up, she’s trying to sing a song.
16.
I call my vagina "New Yorker cartoon" because it's dry and a handful of people have laughed at it
17.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won't bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
18.
genie: please no millipede: more legs
19.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium] wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
20.
I'm sorry Ms. Jackson (Oooooo)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy
21.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
22.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
23.
[concert] SINGER: hows everyone doin tonight CROWD: woo ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): it's actually been a tough few months
24.
Sir Mix-a-lot likes big butts and cannot lie. His twin brother does not like big butts and cannot tell the truth. You may ask one question.
25.
I'm just a girl, standing in front of a straight, white boy, telling him I know more about the subject than him because it's my actual job.
26.
Can't believe there are so many songs about love and only one where someone welcomes someone else to a jungle.
27.
“Um.” - 1st horse that got ridden
28.
Me: could i have a pepsi Waiter: is pepsi ok- OMG *eyes getting watery* finally Me: *smiling through tears* yeah *we kiss*
29.
The inventor of the anagram has died. May he erect a penis.
30.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
31.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
32.
If I could have dinner with anybody living or dead I'd pick the dead guy. Then I'd order two dinners and eat both. Fuck that guy. He's dead
33.
me: "we commemorate the day you died every year" jesus: "thats nice, what's the day called?" me: jesus: me: jesus: "keith?" me: "bad friday"
34.
CHANGING YOUR DUVET COVER -remember to use your energy sparingly. It's a marathon, not a sprint -make sure you stay hydrated -don't panic
35.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates: 1. Nice shirt. 2. Wow. A second nice shirt. 3. Okay, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts.
36.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
37.
DRIVERS! PLEASE BE COURTEOUS TO STUDENT PEDESTRIANS AND hit us going full speed please
38.
[GOD INVENTING THE WEASEL] You know what we need? An otter you can't fucking trust.
39.
ME: I'll see you in a month WIFE: Don't forget to write ME: It's highly unlikely I'd forget such a basic skill, Sharon
40.
Does 'heinous' rhyme with 'penis' or 'anus'? To win a prize, send your one word answer to Piers Morgan. Good luck!
41.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
42.
[in ambulance] "Can you describe the snake that bit you?" Yes it was like an angry rope
43.
"Anybody here named Jeff?" Jeff: "Yes" Geoff: "Yeos"