The United States of America is a magnificent place. A place with freedom. And eagles. And breakfast pizza.
Unfortunately there is one thing that we (the rest of the world) just can't get on board with:
Seriously, why does seemingly every toilet in America come with a handy gap for people who want to make eye contact with you while you're taking care of business?!
You get to America and you think, OMG it's just like in the movies or, Wow, that sure is a large portion of nachos and life seems pretty great. Then you go to the toilet.
And you close the door.
And pull down your trous- WAIT WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A GIANT FUCKING GAP IN THE DOOR?!
Your country has done wonderful things for humanity. But WTF is this bullshit, America?!
Nope. Nope. Nope.
DON'T LOOK AT ME!
The world wants answers.
This gap makes mid-poo eye contact a real and terrifying danger.
People have been known to go to great lengths to prevent such horrors.
While others have come up with totally radical concepts.
It's caused some people to get philosophical.
It also means you can't even get away with texting from the toilet.
This, on the other hand, is the sort of privacy the rest of the world enjoys as they do their stuff.
It turns out the US isn't the only offender. Canada is just as happy making eye contact with pooping strangers.
And it's not just the rest of the world that wants answers – it appears Americans themselves aren't even sure what the deal is.
People have even reached out to us. Sadly, we're unable to help.
It does, however, appear that there is at least one gap-free American toilet.
You do so many things well. So please, from the bottom of our hearts, sort this shit out. Toilet time is for you and no one else.
(We'll leave the insanely high water level in American toilets until next time. One step at a time.)
It turns out that the one American toilet we mentioned that does have proper doors – Minneapolis Airport – is where the Larry Craig scandal occurred. So perhaps this is why they can't have nice things/private toilets.