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100 Tweets That Made British People Piss Themselves In 2017

These tweets were the only good things to happen this year. Enjoy!

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1.

It's the remix to ignition Hot and fresh out the kitchen 4,000 homes for rough sleepers And you won't have to pay f… https://t.co/6gNfp8Lphx

2.

A can of expanding foam went off on the shed and I'm now 6/4 on winning this year's Turner Prize.

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3.

When you follow someone through multiple doors

4.

5.

what's up with this dramatic movie poster font choice. how many did he kill on his first day

6.

jst realised ‘mamma mia’ sounds like a northerner telling their mam theyre home n ive never been so amused

7.

This looks like a mad sesh till you find out it’s a combine harvester in a cotton field

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8.

"Never have I ever ran through a field of wheat"

9.

Imagine signing a player called Mambo and not giving him the number 5 shirt. Poor form from Ebbsfleet United.

10.

stop right now thank you very much I need somebody with a

11.

he whomsoever that canst draw the motorola from this carriageway shall be kinge of all post brexit englandde

12.

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13.

its mad to think that if you buy a triple sandwich at Tesco, someone else is eating the other half of the same sandwich

14.

She can move in any direction you know...

15.

This entire shelf of own-brand cereals sounds like an old English army Major, trying to find a euphemism for gay me… https://t.co/eRVPVpxYVD

16.

Are you even British if you don't say "let me come in your suitcase" when anyone you know is off on holiday

17.

autoglass: autoglass repair me: autoglass replace

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18.

Here, if you got Sunderland’s form in a pack of Starburst you’d be buzzing with that...

19.

20.

when ur underage in wetherspoons & see the bouncer coming

21.

When the ref asks to see ur studs before kick off

22.

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23.

When you're struggling to reach the word count whilst writing an essay

24.

I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say "oh no, my cheds" faintly from across the room

25.

Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you

26.

Now she's falling asleep, and I'm calling a crab.

27.

Bloody hell, genuinely just thought Noddy Holder was Germaine Greer.

28.

you’d think they would have run out of bits of linda mccartney to put in the sausages by now

29.

🎶 All of the other reindeers 🎶 Used to laugh and call him names 🎶so he killed them

30.

Picked up my mum steaming and she said "can we get chips" to which I replied "no we have some in the freezer",been waiting years to say that

31.

32.

HOLY SHIT WE'RE OLD BRICK BUILDINGS NO FUCKING WAY MATE

34.

I love how this dog looks at this egg, like he's learned absolutely nothing.

35.

do you even get babies called Karen or do they just appear one day with 3 kids and wanna speak to the manager

36.

Never have a selfie sesh while watching naked attraction x

37.

The shameful legacy of Bullseye continues to blight our streets.

38.

fuck off only Weetabix is allowed to be in landscape

39.

AND ON EASTER SUNDAY JESUS DID RISE DECREEING THAT THE BIG TESCO MUST CLOSE IN HIS HONOUR BUT THE EXPRESS STORE CAN STAY OPEN FOR ESSENTIALS

40.

when your mum shouts dinners ready but its not actually ready so you're just sat there like

41.

I'm begging of you please don't take my man

42.

£3 a month has been coming out my bank for months n I only just realised I adopted a jaguar called Jev on New Year's Eve while I was fucked

43.

I'm enjoying the irony of this looking like a gay wedding ceremony that neither set of parents entirely approve of.… https://t.co/R2XC9Ymg43

44.

Presumably good at helping people stay alive.

45.

46.

47.

CHANGING YOUR DUVET COVER -remember to use your energy sparingly. It's a marathon, not a sprint -make sure you stay hydrated -don't panic

48.

49.

also does anyone else find it weird that the middle of the House of Lords is basically laid out like a shoe shop

50.

When your maw sends you to Asda with yer da

52.

when you buy a ticket and it doesn't get checked for the entire journey

53.

"You've fucking ruined the charts SHEERAN"

54.

May now insisting all interviews take place in a rural warehouse and that interviewer comes alone, no cops.

55.

Got bigger bags under my eyes than a year 7 with cooking and PE in the same day.

56.

he’s like this every time we turn the vaccuum cleaner on

57.

Fred flintstone been driving about killie

58.

well I'm never using tinder again

59.

Fucking hate getting catfished by a parking space u think it's empty and then there's a fucking KA in there

60.

Literally me attempting to pass GCSE physics

61.

One of my flatmates opens their bread like this. I don't feel safe anymore.

62.

Ma sisters just told me her pal canny get Indians delivered cause she lives on Curry Street n they think it's a prank call

63.

64.

"Did ya say ya want scraps wi' them fish 'n' chips, love?"

65.

Customers just asked me what perfume I've got on, didn't have the heart to tell her I'd febreze'd myself so I said it were Marc Jacobs ffs

66.

When your duck is actually really posh

67.

An owl having the most Kate Bush moment ever.

68.

My flatmate ladies and gents...

69.

In all fairness Brits probably don't do Thanksgiving because if we had to take a day off for the anniversary of us… https://t.co/bL4I3NtKft

70.

Well there you go, I've found the winner of grindr.

71.

When your mum sends you to the chippy to get some chips and doesn't ask for her change back

72.

So very, very tempted to go in and ask...

73.

Whoever made these figures at @hevercastle (Anne Boleyn's childhood home) was MILES ahead of the internet

75.

Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!

76.

The vengabus is coming And everybody's jumping The vengabus' purpose A rail replacement service To take you to som… https://t.co/Pg7se5V9H6

77.

The BBC's new regional channel, broadcasting literally anything

78.

English people will dead put anything in a sandwich. Fish fingers, chips, crisps, sausages. You name it, it's going in the fucking bread

79.

If you iron Gordon Ramsay you end up with Keir Starmer.

80.

Prince Harry's kids will be Americans. What if one grows up to be president and is in line for the throne at the sa… https://t.co/WTTLv8OFmZ

81.

82.

And through it all She offers me protection A...

83.

"You can eat pancakes any day of the year u know"I can also drag a pine tree into my gaff any day but I usually reserve it for Christmas, ta

84.

Liam Gallagher thought asap rocky's name was whatsapp ricky hahahahahahaha

85.

86.

My jet lagged greedy ass thought this was Greggs for a split second xjadex

87.

Mike Oldfield's difficult second album

88.

The Telegraph have officially run out of things to attack millennials for

89.

clare balding. just watched someone be gunned down on a pier.

90.

Who the fuck designed this? Aquafresh?!

91.

£198m for Neymar To put that into context, that's a week's stay for a family of five at Center Parcs with 3 kids who want to do everything

92.

93.

when your nan brings the biscuit barrel out..

94.

95.

probably my fav story of 2017 @caitalexanderx

96.

Ed Sheehan writing a song: I met her *throws dice* in a caravan park, she was *spins wheel* an unhappy bartender, I don't have a degree

97.

Want to feel old? This is what Ross and Rachel from Friends look like now

98.

I like this picture of the queen's corgis because it looks like this is only the beginning and there's in fact a pl… https://t.co/KczBVOuwY8

99.

A modern day Romeo & Juliet

100.

You may hate your job. But at least you aren’t Jedward’s barrister.

If you enjoyed this, make sure you check out the 2016 list.

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