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Cinema, movie theater - whatever you want to call it. What has been seen embedded in cinema seats cannot be unseen.
For which film? At what time? Is it even for today?! If you don't give me the specifics, I'm going to decide for you.
Is that even YOU in that photo?
"What's your date of birth?"
"Ehhh... uh... theeee 15th May 1992?"
"You're 21?"
"...Yes?"
"Get out."
You think I can't see you pretending to go to the toilet, but actually wandering into another screen? Try again.
Yes, we understand that cinema food is expensive, but did we set the prices? No. And are lines such as "I'll need to remortgage my house to afford all this" or "Going to the cinema is daylight robbery!" at all original? No, no they are not.
The cinema is too warm.
The cinema is too cold.
The film is too loud.
The film isn't loud enough.
This seat isn't comfortable enough.
I do apologise for not being able to tailor the cinema to your EXACT needs. Leave me your specifications and I will ensure it is perfect for your next visit.
There's a giant black line running across the middle of the screen? Well, surely that just adds to the viewing experience?
There's no sound playing along with the picture? Now, are you positive you didn't actually want to watch a silent film?
No? Okay. I'll get someone to fix it.
If you have to take a phone call, please leave the auditorium.
Otherwise, using your phone during a film indicates a number of things about you:
1. You are a douche. The light emitted from screens is extremely distracting to other viewers.
2. You have serious Fear Of Missing Out Syndrome. You can't possibly go for a couple of hours without texting your friend/significant other/mum/cat?!
3. You have the attention span of a goldfish. Was it really necessary to check your social media throughout this film? I think not.
Control your offspring.
"Sir, there is a fire in the building. I must ask you to evacuate."
"I'm not moving until you tell me that you will refund the film I won't be able to watch?"
"... Yes. But can you not see there are more important issues at stake here?!"
Can't we all just get along?
Must you do this in public?!
Vomit... so much vomit. Amongst other things.
Guess I won't be watching this one then.
THERE'S NO SCENE AT THE END.
(I blame Marvel for this)
Because a cinema is pretty much the only place in the world where it's acceptable to gorge yourself on sweets, popcorn, soft drinks and crisps and then leave all of your rubbish scattered on the floor for some poor soul to clean up behind you.
"What's taking so long, why can't I come in?"
"Because I'm still cleaning all the crap left behind after the previous screening!"
3am finishes are not ideal.
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