My Family Member Lost Their Job... And Sent The Family This Hilarious Email

Here is the email my cousin sent to the family today, regarding his last day of employment at his job: "Friends, family, countrymen, scholars, pro-Americans, the righteous and the just… I hope this email finds you well. As word is likely to get out I thought I should officially communicate to all some news. I am not from this planet, but have come to study you and eventually colonize your world. But seriously…today was my last day at [removed for privacy]. I now join the illustrious group of [removed for privacy] alumni and throngs of customers. After 13 years; 4 relocations, 1 marriage, 2 children and entirely too much free time, my run is done. Now being on the other end of a work-force reduction I am liberated to join the growing number of Americans content on living off of the government in our evolving wealth-distribution system; i.e. I’m filing for unemployment. This course has been in motion for quite some time, I was close 6 months ago when I went through my 300th reorganization. At that time I was “parked” in a role with a clear indication that it wouldn’t last long. Upon returning from Christmas vacation I was given notice that we had reached a cross-roads and my role was to be eliminated. I’ve officially known for about 3 weeks. I have done some due diligence to try and maintain continuity with [removed for privacy], but the environment is one of retraction, cuts and not conducive to a man of my prowess, salary and ego. At the same time I’ve been networking and exploring my options externally. I have 2 opportunities that look promising and give me a false sense of hope that things will be okay. We are not looking to relocate at this time, so your continued patronage of our casa should remain undisrupted. Stephanie will exploit her body, the children will be harvested for their organs and I will likely start to deal. You are welcome to partake in the long tradition of “wake” like behavior and grieving; a delivered home cooked meal will not go uneaten, a candle lit will not be extinguished, a prayer to the right God will be appreciated and a PayPal transfer to [email removed] will not be unspent. The end. Chris"

Hope this gives you all the LOLs