I've heard whispers of a Point Break reboot for a few years. A few times a year, something will pop up on a thread, or I'll feel the need to Google said rumor while enjoying the original on TNT, on some sunny Sunday afternoon.
For anyone who hasn't heard the latest gossip, Gerard Butler has allegedly signed on to play the much beloved Bodi, originally played by Patrick Swayze. This is yet another example of Hollywood running out of ideas. Someone somewhere is sitting in a very expensive suit, kidding themselves into thinking this is a good idea. It's not. Leave it alone. Just as you should have left Red Dawn alone. Some might argue, "well don't complain if you haven't seen it." To which I respond, "I don't need to. Just like I don't need to lop off a finger with a meat cleaver to know it will cause me much pain." I don't support shitty haphazardly thrown-together remakes. I could think of half-a-dozen others they might consider revising before this cult classic. Let's see.
1. Christine (1983)- Here's the thing. The original was a fine piece of campy horror. The story of a boy and his car. Only this car happens to be possessed and kills people. I'm not sure about replacing the car. But it seems with the latest Carrie reboot, this should be considered. Maybe get that fag from that one movie to play the boy. 17 Again? Yeah. I could see that. Although I probably still wouldn't see it. Alas, a better idea than the one above.
2. Freejack (1992)- This movie is regarded by some, namely me, as one of the biggest piles of shit ever to grace the silver screen. Even though it hasn't been very long, this is definitely something which could be improved. Emilio Estevez plays a race car driver who, during the middle of a race, is instantly teleported into a future dystopian society. Somewhere along the way Renee Russo and Mic Jagger (yes from the Rolling Stones) show up to help. It was a fuckawful piece of trash and I have no use for it. So I figure if the studios want to remake something, remake something that was so incredibly terrible in every single respect, be it special effects, or acting, the new one can only succeed where the original failed. I certainly wouldn't care who filled the roles. Hell, give Gerard Butler this part instead. I'm sure it couldn't be any worse than Emilio's.
3. The Last Picture Show (1971)- I realize how random this pick was. It's probably a fairly obscure movie for some. And one I've only seen a couple of times in my life. Both Cybil Shepherd and Randy Quaid make their acting debuts in the film, with the former baring it all during a racy orgy scene poolside. Jeff Bridges was pretty great, along with Timothy Bottoms. I think the world is due for a toned down coming-of-age story. Something heartfelt that isn't full of dick jokes. I'm sure if done properly, this could be a decent flick. I mean, they had no problem making Tron Legacy. The only saving grace there was a scantily clad Olivia Wilde, and maybe, just maybe, a digitally altered Bridges.
4. Deliverance (1972)- I know I'll get a rash of shit for listing this. It's a landmark film. So many Academy Award nominations. But the reason is simple. Update it. Leave the banjos alone, and work that male rape scene a little differently. But there's an entire generation of children who will probably never take the time to see the original simply because of Jon Voight's mustache. We haven't had much in the way of dramas as good as this in my lifetime. Atleast nothing set on a river that quite captured that feeling of dread. So why not use the framework that's already been set? Some new actors, a new river, and some new squealing. Just a thought.
5. Hellraiser (1987)- Fuck yes. I have a confession to make. I've stomached most of this over-appreciated franchise since it's inception. I remember my mother watching it when I was a wee lad and I've carried that through for eight more steaming piles of Pin Head turds. I never understood the plots of any of these. They never really ran together in any cohesive story arc, save a magic puzzle box, and a merry band of torturous, leather bound misfits from some other universe. It was stupid. Clive Barker hasn't done anything even remotely entertaining since Lord of Illusions. So maybe he can dust off this still-beating franchise and give it a real shot at something great, or at the very least, something marginally less shitty.
Update: I just googled some shit about this and as it turn's out, Clive Barker recently posted back in October, that he was personally writing the remake to this. But I'm leaving it on the list. I wonder if Gerard Butler would make a convincing Pin Head.
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