10 Things You Just Shouldn't Do In Summertime

A few pointers for those car park sunbathers out there

1. Don't Wear shorts so tiny we can see what you had for breakfast...

Unless you have an arse like a peach put your bum away, no one wants to see your orange peel or the bikini line you forgot to have waxed. Shorts and hot pants are great but keep the cheek away. It's not pretty and you look super cheap!

2. Don't take your shirt off in city / town centers.

If you want to sunbathe then do it somewhere normal. A park, the beach, your back garden are all fine. I don't care how 'ripped' or 'hench' you are unless you're being paid to do it then dont! Also that t-shirt with the naked lady on it, bin it! There's kids in public and they don't need to see that!

3. Don't get sunburn!

Your skin is precious, look after it. Apply the tanning lotion and cover up. Red raw skin is simply asking to be slapped and also the big C is a serious danger. Sun damaged skin can make you look super old and sunbeds are not going to help either!

4. Don't under-cook a sausage

Food poisoning is not fun for anybody and being inside when it's sunny is just depressing. Make sure that all the coals on the barbie have gone grey before you start cooking and chop one of whatever you are cooking in half before serving to make sure its done properly. Over cooked is just as bad though. If I wanted a lump of charcoal I would have eaten a BBQ briquette!

5. Don't have a picnic and leave rubbish everywhere.

Save the environment dude! It's not difficult to put all your crap in the bin. Littering is a massive issue and not only does it look horrid it also harms animals and can spread disease. pet pet hate is chewing gum. If you insist on spitting it anywhere go home and do it in your own house and if all else fails. BUY MINTS YOU MORON!

6. Don't sunbathe in public, in your underwear.

Girls there are things called bikinis for this. Although that black lacy bra you're wearing is lovely, you do look a little cheap laying in the park wearing that and you're jeans. I wouldn't really suggest taking any of you clothes odd unless you intend on swimming or are by a mass of water. It was 15 degrees in London the other day and a friend of mine saw two girls sunbathing in a car park. Classy!

7. Don't winge about being too hot!

It's England! It is geographically impossible for it to be too hot! If you don't like it go inside but don't ruin my day with your negativity. You could be in the desert, then, being hot would be a problem!

8. Don't wear socks and sandals

What is the point?! Sandals are supposed to keep your feet cool. We dot want to see your novelty Homer Simpson socks grinning a sweaty stretched out smile at us. If your feet are that insulting then go get a pedi!

9. Don't freak out like it's the end of the world because a bumblebee came near you.

The more you freak out the more likely it is to sting you. Even if it does sting you, you're not going to die. Also your screaming and melodrama are really ruining my chi.

10. And finally, don't say you are going to the beach and then never actually go.

If you're going, go already. It will only make us sad when we see the pictures of those who did go to the beach pop up on twitter and we are at home with our feet in a bucket of tap water