Top 10 Most Groin Punchingly Difficult Retro Games

We all know that old school games can be hard, but these are some of the most frustratingly difficult games of yesteryear. Grab your controllers and get ready to smash them.

10. Top Gun - NES

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Sweet merciful shitballs, Top Gun, the sub-standard After Burner clone succeeded in smashing controllers around the country when it came to that landing sequence. It was like having a bad girlfriend, no matter what you did, the game told you to do the opposite. Pull up! Slow down! Pull Down! Speed Up!

9. Altered Beast - Sega Genesis

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Rise from your grave! So this game can put you right back in it with bullshit hit detection, overpowered enemies, and the kind of quarter-hungry nonsense that they decided to bring over from the arcade port. Each powerup orb in game represents an aneurysm you're going to have by the end of the level.

8. Zombies Ate My Neighbors - Super Nintendo

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Zombies Ate My Neighbors, a game that starts off easy, but has a difficulty curve that would give a statistician a massive erection. By the time you get to the Pyramid level, you're almost glad that LucasArts got shut down.

7. Shinobi III: Return of the Ninja Master - Sega Genesis

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All little kids wanted to be a Ninja at one point or another, that is until they spent a few years playing Ninja Gaiden, then made their way to Shinobi III. Christ on Friday does this game just not give a single shit about your well being. Mines, random enemy patterns, odd hitboxes, you name it. This game will give you the works.

6. Contra - NES

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Okay, so we all know Contra is hard, and it's possible with the Konami code, hell even without it these days, but the god damn Energy Zone is the product of nightmares. The flames coming out of the walls alone can inspire you to put a knife through the top of your NES.

5. Battletoads - NES

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Surprised it's not #1? Sure, this game has led to many a rage quit, but it only gets worse. What's that? You wanted to play with a friend? Good luck - the speeder bike level is impossible on 2 player due to programming flaws. Way to go Rare.

4. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - NES

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"Mommy! Can I get the Ninja Turtles game for my Nintendo?" "Sure honey, here you go." -Moments Later- "RAPHAEL YOU PIECE OF SHIT GET OUT OF THAT FUCKING SEAWEED!"

3. Castlevania II: Simon's Quest

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What a horrible piece of shit to have to play. The townspeople lie to you about what you have to do, and the legitimate clues they give you are more convoluted and poorly written than an episode of Lost. Better buy yourself a strategy guide and a 55 gallon drum of Excedrin for this one.

2. Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts - Super Nintendo

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This game has been remade and ported to damn near every system ever, and that's because it's a good game - but sweet kidneys of Columbus is it some serious hate fuel. Those spinning red devil pricks will have you turning red from hypertension, and the obnoxiously random spawning of other enemies will make you want to punch your parents and lynch your SNES.

1. Ikari Warriors - NES

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So maybe you played it in the arcade and thought, "Wow! They made this for NES too! Should be a fun, action-filled romp!" Nope, it's a glitchy, shit-filled romp through terrible hit detection, broken gameplay mechanics, piss-poor controls, and the kind of anger that comes from a game developed purely to torture children.