1.
i'm great!! i'm good i'm doing good hahaha. i mean "well" haha! haha i'm doing well, not good! haha i'm not doing good! im not doing so good
2.
Date - "lets watch a DVD, I've got Ratatouille?" Me - "no thanks, I haven't seen rataONEille hahaha" Date - "you know what I'm pretty tired"
3.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day ME: Thanks, have a great baby
4.
Social status update: just did the "get a load of this guy" gesture to my cat about my dog
5.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
6.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
7.
My enemies are gonna be so sorry if I ever get out of this bean bag chair.
8.
[on 1st date] Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before? Her: No, I'd love to Me: Same Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim
9.
I've always felt like cantaloupe and watermelon are boyfriend and girlfriend. if u disagree w this statement I hope u fall down a well
10.
I'm wearing pants with 4 buttons instead of a zipper and it feels slightly sensual everytime I undo them to pee
11.
Date: I love dogs Me: [trying to think of something to impress her] my dad is a dog
12.
FUNERAL INSTRUCTIONS: * Open casket * Free bag of tortilla chips upon entrance * My dead hands hold the bowl of salsa
13.
"Homie don't fleek doe," I say to a group of teenagers, hoping it means something.
14.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
15.
How'd you get those bruises? *remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort* Karate.
16.
[At the Rumble] her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels* me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
17.
10:00 am: sitting alone at work 10:05 am: my pudding cup is my new best friend 10:06 am: ate my best friend 10:07 am: sitting at work alone
18.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn't know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA