With the flurry of "news" articles relating to the most anticipated movie of all time, "Star Wars Episode VII", hitting the Internet every single day it was time for this ace reporter to jump into the fray and see what he could find out…
Now, a word on my sources… Because of the top secret "Mystery Box" JJ Abrams employs to keep plot details from spilling all over the Internet, I was forced to do something I never thought I would do when chasing a story…
Travel into the future.
Yup. Went and time traveled into the future to uncover the most earth shattering, shocking details from "Star Wars Episode VII"! Announcements that will, no doubt, change the way we are talking about Episode VII.
What better way to cull the lack of insightful, confirmed news from everyone's favorite Space Opera than to actually go INTO THE FUTURE, find the good stuff and report back the world. This is in the hopes that it will finally satiate the hunger for legitimate Episode VII news. I for one am SO EXCITED to share my findings with you today.
Let's begin.
Nien Nunb Rebuilt the Jedi Order!
Bet you didn't know that little plucky, mumbling, Sullustan species that gives women everywhere that "uncomfortable" feeling whenever he speaks was also a JEDI!
As (will be) reported by some industry trade, in JJ's forthcoming Episode VII, Mr. Nunb is revealed to be a Jedi. My source also revealed some of his backstory…
"When the Emperor issued Order 66, Mr. Nunb was forced to hide from the Jedi Purge using force powers to cloak himself from the Dark Side (neat trick!). Soon after, he joined the SoroSuub Corporation as a smuggler; basically, hiding in plain sight while building up his resources with money. This "dipping of the toes" in smuggling eventually led to his meeting of Lando Calrissian. Over time, Nien and Lando grew quite fond of each other and when Nien learned of Lando joining the Rebellion, Nien saw his chance to finally, re-join the cause."
*Fun Fact! Nien used his Force Powers to help save the Millenium Falcon from certain doom when it almost didn't escape the explosion of the second Death Star. Yup, that was Nien (not the expert flying of Lando). He put a Force Bubble around the Falcon as it shot out of the tunnel.
In Episode VII, we learn that during the Celebration on Endor after the Empire was defeated, Nien revealed himself to Luke (as a Jedi Master no less) and offered to help rebuild the order. When Episode VII begins, Nien is the one that tells Han and Chewie that Luke went missing (as reported by Badass Digest) Bad timing too because it leaves Nien with all the work to re-build the order. And Nien isn't the most patient of sentient beings. In fact, since ROTJ, Nien has grown tired of constantly doing all the heavy lifting and so, he does in fact fall to the Dark Side, only to be dispatched in an epic lightsaber battle with John Boyega. You remember when Yoda pulled out his lightsaber in Attack of the Clones? Yeah, when Nien draws his crimson blade, it's way cooler and in no way strange or weird.
Andy Serkis' Role Is Revealed to Be Caesar From RISE/DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES!
In a brilliant marketing twist (a deal originally set into place when Disney acquired the Star Wars rights from Lucasfilm (in which Lucasfilm had already made a deal with Fox to incorporate Caesar's character into the SW Universe) Andy Serkis actually plays Caesar, a Force sensitive Jedi Ape.
How you might ask? Well – SPOILER ALERT!
In the forthcoming third sequel to the PLANET OF THE APES prequels, at the end of part III, the astronauts sent into space at the beginning of Rise, come back to Earth to find it overrun with Apes. Fearing for his life because of an altercation with Koba (who returns in Part III), Caesar pretty much says "F this" and takes control of the space ship, blasting off into space where he finds a tiny wormhole. Though he tries to avoid it, Caesar is sucked into its gravity field and shot into a galaxy far, far away. Losing control, Caesar ends up crash landing on Dagobah. Yup. THAT Dagobah!
There, Caesar is befriended by Luke Skywalker (Luke had been hiding out on Dagobah because he felt a disturbance in the Force and went into a self-imposed exile to meditate. As reported by This Is Infamous.
Luke decides to train the talking ape in the ways of the Force and in a scene (mirrored from "Empire") Caesar's last trial is when he confronts his greatest fear in "The Cave"… And succeeds! You thought Andy Serkis' performance was awesome in Apes? Wait till you see him brandish a banana-yellow lightsaber and decapitate some Sith heads! Could this FINALLY be the Oscar nod all of us fans have wanted for Mr. Serkis?
Darth Sidious (Emperor Palpatine) Is NOT in Episode VII. But his son is!!!
Taking a page directly out of the treatment George Lucas delivered to Disney after they bought the rights to Star Wars, it appears one of George's favorite plot points is using the son as a way to bridge fan favorite characters and storylines together. See: INDIANA JONES AND THE KINDGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL.
But here's the twist, it's the Emperor's SON who is the puppet master and main baddie in the Star Wars Universe. Apparently, unbeknownst but now knownst from this time traveler is that, behind the scenes in the Prequels and OT, the Emperor was getting biz-ay!
And no, no Immaculate Conception, no Midi-chlorians, this is just good ole' fashioned schtupping.
According to my source close to the production (and from the future) while the Emperor was playing puppet master to his team of Sith, turning Anakin to the Dark Side and then trying to sway his son Luke, Palpatine would often employ a bevy of beautiful ladies or "Prostitutes" to keep him company when he was sitting all by his lonesome in his throne room.
From Wookiepedia:
"Prostitution was known to be abundant on planets such as Keyorin, Brentaal IV,Arcan IV, and probably many other worlds throughout the galaxy. It could even be found on planets such as Coruscant, mostly confined to brothels or other seedy entertainment venues such as the Outlander Club."
The Emperor's son, also known simply as Palpatine Jr., was born secretly and from prying eyes. The Emperor knew, that if he were to have any offspring, they would be a new hope for the Sith... That is why, Palpatine JR has remained safely anonymous.
Until now.
Palpi Jr., driven by hate for young Skywalker, took his mother (a Bothan by the name of Daisy) to an undisclosed location where he trained in the ways of the Dark Side in order to set his grand plan into motion. Welp, that grand plan takes shape and is mounted in Episode VII.
Using his father's lightsaber as his own, he trains other Sith in the ways of the Dark Side and sends them out against the newly formed and fledgling Jedi Order. All from the shadows of his secret base… Which now leads to another…
SPOILER ALERT!
The secret base where Palpatine Jr. hides is none other than the charred and empty remains of Jabba's Palace. In fact, Palpi Jr. creates a near exact replica of his father's throne room in the abandoned Rancor Pit. And who might be playing Palpatine Jr? None other than Adam Driver… which, according to Variety, is the rumored main baddie.
Also confirmed, Palpatine Jr. will be treated the same way as his father's character in the Prequels - seeming to be a good guy in Episode VII and then, will gradually be revealed as the one pulling all the strings by Episode IX (where he will go FULL EMPEROR).
Count Dooku Lives!
In a surprising, soap opera twist on the rumored Count Dooku lineage being at play in the new movie, this time traveling reporter has learned that it's not the lineage that is in the movie, rather, it's COUNT DOOKU HIMSELF!
As reported by Makingstarwars.net apparently Adam Driver is a rich aristocrat from the Dooku family name. Which I just debunked in the previous reveal.
Part of JJ Abram's mystery box twist is that Dooku's head was surgically re-attached to his body and nursed back to health by a clone trooper who's order 66 chip short circuited.
So does that mean Christopher Lee will be coming back? "Nope," says my source (from the future.) Instead, to coincide with the huge age gap between Dooku's age in CLONES/SITH to sixty-plus years later, Max Von Sydow is taking on the role of an aged Dooku with metal plugs (think Frankenstein) to keep his head on straight.
Dooku is revealed early on in the proceedings as the main antagonist but is dispatched by Luke Skywalker in the Act I climax when Dooku senses Luke's presence on Dagobah and goes to retrieve him and turn him to the Dark Side. This ultimately set's up the second, second Antagonist who remains in the shadows… who is then revealed to be Driver's Palpatine Jr.
Han Solo Dies at the End of Episode VII
You read that correctly, and I am sorry to say that the rumors are true. Han Solo finally meets his maker at the end of Episode VII. Martyr, hero, scoundrel; everyone's favorite Correllian sacrifices himself in the climatic battle to save his friend Luke, mirroring what he did in a NEW HOPE but with a bummer ending.
But dry those eyes, campers… Taking a familiar plot point from one of his other movies, JJ Abrams has found a way to keep Han from being completely gone.
According to my source who hasn't been born yet, when Han makes the greatest of sacrifices near the end of the movie, his lifeless body is placed on a gurney and rushed to the med lab on one of the Super Star Destroyers he was flying; reported exclusively by Badass Digest
There in the med lab, Luke Skywalker allows a doctor to take his blood (high in Midi-chlorian count) and gives Han a transfusion. Sadly, and in one of the most touching scenes in the movie, Han dies on the table. The transfusion doesn't work. Solo succumbs to his injuries and takes his last breath, uttering these final words to his longtime friend: "May the Force be with you, always...
And scene…
Or is it? You see folks, as part of JJ's desire to keep the rogue in the Star Wars universe, I can report to you EXCLUSIVELY that Han Solo returns in Episode VIII and IX as… yup, A FORCE GHOST!!!!
With the transfusion from Luke's blood, and because of the high midi-cholrian count, Solo becomes one with the Force and returns periodically throughout the new trilogy to offer Luke some advice (much like Obi Wan did). The twist here is that Solo is pretty pissed he didn't die. He hates not being able to fly his beloved Falcon; hates that he is in a perplexing state of purgatory; and also hates that fact that only Force sensitive beings can see him. Yeah, Han misses his buddy Chewbacca and spends most of the time asking Luke how Chewie is coping. (Sheds tear)
Admittedly, this is a weird twist to the Star Wars Universe and mythology but if handled well, I'm down with this. More Han Solo means more awesome! I'm so glad they decided to keep Han around for the whole trilogy!
So there you have it folks! Legitimate, factual news - as will be revealed over the next year or so in press releases from Disney. Really gives you a great look at the new movie and, as you can tell, all the stories are totally legit and not out of left field at all (like all those other rumors going around.)
I'm glad I can share these with you and I hope that this (finally) gives you enough Episode VII news to chew on until the movie comes out. After all, we want NEWS! And this is totally news! No really. Because: Time travel.
*No time travelers were harmed in the making of this article.
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