22 Lies You Tell Your Parents Because You Love Them

Trust me. It’s better this way.

1. “Yup, I eat breakfast everyday!”

What you mean: I quickly chug as much coffee as it takes for me to be functional.

2. “I’ve been going to bed early.”

What you mean: I get in bed at 4 a.m. and watch True Detective until I fall asleep with my laptop on my face.

3. “Don’t worry, I always get at least seven hours of sleep.”

What you mean: I have an unhealthy and erratic sleep schedule but this past Sunday I woke up at 4 p.m.

4. “Work is great!”

What you mean: I am having my life culled out of me by the dull knife of professional ennui, but I want you to think I have my shit together.

20th Century Fox / Via wifflegif.com

5. “Really, I love my boss!”

What you mean: I have located the devil incarnate but I’d like for you to think I have positive role models in my life.

Warner Bros. / Via imgur.com

6. “I manage to work out a few times every week.”

What you mean: I walk past the gym every morning on my way to Dunkin’ Donuts.

NBC / Via bigfitdeal.com

7. “Yes, mom, I’ve been cooking more.”

What you mean: My primary subsistence is Nutella and wine but one time last month I heated up some Ramen.

8. “I almost never get takeout.”

What you mean: Every delivery man within a 5-mile radius of my home has seen me without pants on.

9. “Yeah, my money situation is fine.”

What you mean: I don’t want you to think less of me so I’m not asking you for money, but it’d be great if you could sense the desperation in my voice and send me some anyway.

Universal / Via hercampus.com

10. “I barely drink.”

What you mean: What you don’t know – and what I don’t remember – can’t hurt either of us.

11. “I always make my friends drop me home after a night out!”

What you mean: I text my friends when I’m home safe but if you knew that I was going places alone after 9 p.m. you’d freak out and fly me home soooo.

12. “Trust me, I know better than to take a cab or walk alone late at night.”

What you mean: I’m literally alone in a cab right now.

NBC / Via rapgenius.com

13. “Yeah, I set up my 401K. All set!”

What you mean: I am telepathically begging you to explain to me what a 401K is.

14. “I clean my apartment every weekend.”

What you mean: Warn me a day before you visit so I can throw out the pizza boxes and hide the bong.

15. “Classes are going really well.”

What you mean: I only attend them when it is absolutely required of me so I assume they’re good but can’t be certain.

Paramount Pictures / Via dailyedge.ie

16. “Yup, I’m getting all my homework done.”

What you mean: I have mastered the art of getting the highest possible grade with the lowest possible effort. These are life lessons and you should be proud of me.

Comedy Central / Via cleanenoughlaundry.blogspot.com

17. “I’ve been budgeting well.”

What you mean: I’m so poor that I have to check my bank balance every time I leave home to make sure I have the funds to do basic things.

TriStar Pictures / Via notyourgirlfriday.wordpress.com

18. When they ask if you’ve found someone: “No.”

What you mean: I mean, I find people on Tinder and Grindr and OKCupid all the time… But that’s not what you’re asking… I assume.

19. “My date went well! He took me out to a nice dinner.”

What you mean: We woke up in the kitchen saying, “How the hell did this shit happen?”

Columbia / Via perezhilton.com

20. “Yes, mom, I’m dressing warm enough.”

What you mean: I throw on whatever jacket is closest and brace myself.

Disney / Via pandawhale.com

21. “I’m sorry I missed your call… I was working.”

What you mean: Sorry I missed your call… I was high/drunk/not in the right emotional state to be a comprehensible human.

22. “Yeah, everything’s OK! Bye!”

What you mean: I love you and I miss you and I’m not ready to be a grown up without you yet. And thank you. For everything. OK bye.

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