28 Important New Year’s Resolutions Every Twentysomething Should Make

Repeat after me: I will stop being a shitshow.

1. I will stop posting incriminating pictures of myself on the World Wide Web.

Will last until: Your third drink New Year’s Eve, when you feel a real need to start Instagrammin’ selfies with your tequila.

2. I will stop pretending to have read books and articles that I haven’t actually read.

Fox Broadcasting Company / Via wifflegif.com

Will last until: Your boss asks you if you read that one New Yorker article and you know you can get away with saying yes.

3. I will stop replacing real showers with dry shampoo.

Will last until: Your first day of work in the new year, when you’re reunited with the snooze button aka your best friend.

4. I will send fewer mass Snapchats.

Will last until: Your first good hair day in 2014.

5. I will stop falling asleep with my contacts still in my eyes.

Will last until: Your first glamorous Netflix binge-until-you-pass-out session.

6. I will stop letting my dishes pile up until I’m harboring a small ecosystem in my sink.

Will last until: Mayyyybe next Sunday.

7. I will stop routinely checking up on my ex via four different social media platforms.

Will last until: I mean, now that you’ve been reminded, probably as soon as you’re done reading this.

8. I will stop defining “cleaning my apartment” as “hiding the hair balls and pizza boxes.”

Will last until: Tomorrow, when you tell yourself, “I’ll clean next weekend.”

9. And I will stop defining “doing groceries” as “grabbing a six-pack on my way home.”

Will last until: The first time you do groceries for real like an adult and remember that, actually, you’re too poor to be buying things like kale and wine.

10. I will at least THINK about the gym once a week. And I will actually go to it at least once in the year.

Universal Pictures / Via definitelyraining.com

Will last until: You remember how good not moving feels.

11. I will stop using poor logic to allow myself to shop for things I don’t need.

Will last until: The first time you think, Well, I spent $3 less than usual on lunch today, so I really do deserve these $140 shoes…

12. I will stop calling in sick via email sent at 7:45 a.m. when I’m really in the pink of health.

Paramount Pictures / Via imgur.com

Will last until: The morning after 2014’s first rager. New year, new hangovers, let’s gooo.

13. I will stop letting “out of sight, out of mind” be my philosophy towards friend who live more than five minutes away.

Will last until: The end of the first (and only) Skype session you have with a long-distance friend, thereby sating your guilt.

14. I will stop ordering takeout five nights a week and then wondering why I’m bloated and poor.

NBC / Via uproxx.com

Will last until: You walk into your kitchen, open your fridge, stare blankly into it for five minutes, and finally understand the meaning of despair.

15. I will stop falling for this trick and staying up until 5 a.m. on weeknights:

Will last until: The new season of House of Cards airs on Netflix.

16. I will stop using books as an interior decor fixture and attempt to open them once in a while.

Nickelodeon / Via mashable.com

Will last until: Page 4 or 5. Happy napping.

17. I will stop tweeting boring, mundane updates about my life that, truly, nobody does or should care about.

NBC / Via uproxx.com

Will last until: Five minutes ago?

18. I will stop opening tabs at bars and then becoming everyone’s best friend under the influence of alcohol aka generosity juice.

Will last until: Round two.

19. I will stop buying new underwear instead of doing laundry regularly.

Will last until: One night a few months from now when you’ve exhausted every possible underwear substitute (hello, bikini bottoms) and your laziness hits its peak.

20. I will stop Facebook stalking old high school classmates strictly to judge all their life choices.

Will last until: Your first “I need an ego boost right now” of the year.

21. I will stop making romantic decisions based on the tiny part of my psyche that is a 12-year-old girl.

Fox Searchlight / Via ragingraiders13.tumblr.com

Will last until: A month and a half from now aka Feb. 14 aka the day you text every romantic prospect in your phonebook with a beautifully casual “Hey, you out tonight?”

22. I will stop forgetting my friends’ birthdays and then overcompensating with gifts of alcohol.

Will last until: Your friends’ birthdays.

23. I will stop using Emojis as a crutch to sustain the rapid decline in my ability to express sincere emotion.

Will last until: The next time you have to text someone flaking out of dinner plans and you remember how much easier it is to say “[1 billion heart Emojis]” than “I’m sorry and I really do consider you a dear friend and I hope I will be able to make it up to you soon.”

24. I will hit “snooze” less.

Will last until: Like, tomorrow.

25. I will stop spending money as if I have a vault full of gold at Gringotts.

Will last until: The next time Zara goes on sale.

26. I will stop having a deathly phobia of pieces of paper that outline my financial goings-on.

Will last until: You receive an envelope with the words “Sallie Mae” on them and immediately start crying.

27. I will stop succumbing to FOMO.

NBC / Via nerdwallet.com

Will last until: You check Instagram.

28. I will stop spending all my time procrastinating on the internet instead of doing work.

Fox Broadcasting Company / Via thatsridicarus.soup.io

Will last until: Let’s be honest. This one never even got off the ground.

Check out more articles on BuzzFeed.com!

  Your Reaction?


    Hot Buzz

    The Best Beauty And Fashion Trends Of 2016


    Sorry, But Maisie Williams Was Actually The Best-Dressed Person At The Golden Globes

    Now Buzzing