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Why You Should Re-Watch Disney's "The Hunchback Of Notre Dame"

Looking for good, wholesome family entertainment? This isn't it.

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So chances are, you don't really remember Hunchback...

That's okay, we forgive you.
Disney / Via statics.vayagif.com

That's okay, we forgive you.

That's probably because it came on the heels of both the Disney Renaissance...

Disney / Via wordpress.com
Disney / Via wordpress.com
Disney / Via images5.fanpop.com
Disney / Via images4.fanpop.com

... And the Disney Not-So-Renaissance

Sorry, but deep down, you know it's true.
Disney / Via mememaker.net

Sorry, but deep down, you know it's true.

So by 1996, when Hunchback was released, Disney was losing its touch, right?

Disney

WRONG!

Sorry, he doesn't like criticism.
Disney

Sorry, he doesn't like criticism.

First of all, let's take a look at the opening shot...

This is what we in the business call "majestic as f**k."
Disney

This is what we in the business call "majestic as f**k."

There's an expositional song and an accompanying puppet show:

"Listen up, kids: I'm about to do some serious musical theater."
Disney

"Listen up, kids: I'm about to do some serious musical theater."

In which we are introduced to this badass mofo:

Not the horse. The horse is an accessory. The guy riding it is Judge Claude Frollo.
Disney

Not the horse. The horse is an accessory. The guy riding it is Judge Claude Frollo.

Who commits murder within the minute he's introduced.

It took Scar like half the movie to off somebody. Amateur.
Disney

It took Scar like half the movie to off somebody. Amateur.

Then, literally twenty seconds later, he tries to go for murder number two:

Yes, that is a baby. Yes, that is a well. Frollo's rationale: "This is an unholy demon. I'm sending it back to Hell, where it belongs." Yes, this is Disney, and yes, it gets worse.
Disney

Yes, that is a baby. Yes, that is a well. Frollo's rationale: "This is an unholy demon. I'm sending it back to Hell, where it belongs." Yes, this is Disney, and yes, it gets worse.

But he gets stopped.

Killjoy.
Disney

Killjoy.

The Archdeacon tells him that he can't hide his sin from Jesus -- I mean, Notre Dame.

"Dude, we like, totally just saw you murder that chick."
Disney

"Dude, we like, totally just saw you murder that chick."

"Oooooh, awkward..."
Disney

"Oooooh, awkward..."

To atone, he has to raise the deformed child he tried to murder like two seconds ago.

"Two things you need: A diaper change, and a facelift."
Disney

"Two things you need: A diaper change, and a facelift."

Fast-forward twentyish years. Quasimodo is all grown up and super adorbs.

For an ugly dude.
Disney

For an ugly dude.

Also he's voiced brilliantly by this guy:

Tom Hulce, He of the Immortal Laugh.
Miramax / Via gonemovies.com

Tom Hulce, He of the Immortal Laugh.

Quasimodo, By Himself, Decides to Sneak Out for the Festival of Fools

These do not exist. They never happened. We shall not speak of them.
Disney

These do not exist. They never happened. We shall not speak of them.

And meets Esmeralda

The queen of family-friendly
Disney

The queen of family-friendly

Who immediately captivates three dudes:

This one (Yup, that's ANIMATED LENS FLARE)
Disney

This one (Yup, that's ANIMATED LENS FLARE)

This one No, not the horse. The horse is an accessory.Aaaand this one:
Disney

This one

No, not the horse. The horse is an accessory.

Aaaand this one:

Yes, srsly.
Disney

Yes, srsly.

He isn't used to stuff like this:

"Is that a banana in your cassock or are you just happy to see me?"
Disney

"Is that a banana in your cassock or are you just happy to see me?"

And neither is he:

Yeah, this totally screams friendzone.
Disney

Yeah, this totally screams friendzone.

But he is, so she's into it.

Ah Disney, you had to go all normative on us at the last second, didn't cha?
Disney

Ah Disney, you had to go all normative on us at the last second, didn't cha?

But that's not the important part.

"Psh, obviously. It's this killer shade."
Disney

"Psh, obviously. It's this killer shade."

Let's take a look at some of these shots, shall we?

In case you weren't already convinced this is a wee darker than other Disney films.
Disney

In case you weren't already convinced this is a wee darker than other Disney films.

With some light mixed in...?
Disney

With some light mixed in...?

Okay, now you're all just showing off.
Disney

Okay, now you're all just showing off.

And oh yeah, there's this one part where...

Creepy.
Disney

Creepy.

Creepier...
Disney

Creepier...

Creepiest!!
Disney

Creepiest!!

Okay, that was weird and totally out of place in a Disney film. But now we're done with it, right?

Disney

Right?

Disney

RIGHT?!

Disney

Wait. You mean to tell me there's a whole musical number about Frollo wanting to bang Esmeralda?

Disney
You know, for children!
Disney

You know, for children!

And it's the most provocative sequence Disney ever did?

Disney
"On Wednesdays we wear red."
Disney

"On Wednesdays we wear red."

How could they have possibly gotten away with this?

Move over, Prince Zuko.
Disney

Move over, Prince Zuko.

And they just brought out the crusaders. In case, y'know, you were missing the whole "religion can be horrible" thing.
Disney

And they just brought out the crusaders. In case, y'know, you were missing the whole "religion can be horrible" thing.

Pretty crazy, huh? Now that you're old and mature and stuff, rewatch this hidden gem.

"It's hard work singing about my feelings for you people."
Disney

"It's hard work singing about my feelings for you people."

Just make sure you block this out for all eternity.

(The Hunchback of Notre Dame is available to stream on Netflix. In case you're lazy and don't want to go rent it from your local library or something.)
Disney

(The Hunchback of Notre Dame is available to stream on Netflix. In case you're lazy and don't want to go rent it from your local library or something.)

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