When someone is deeply in love with their partner, it can be easy to ignore little red flags — and just assume the person will work on them or that they'll completely change if/when they get married.
But while things might actually get better for some individuals who are in a relationship, other couples may still deal with the same issues long into marriage. And since this is pretty common across partnerships, when Reddit user u/[deleted] asked the r/AskWomen community: "What signs have you ignored while dating, which is a problem after marriage?" I thought it would be important to share their replies. Here's what they had to say.
1."If y’all spend money differently, don’t think it’s going to change after your married, after you have kids, after you have a joint bank account, etc. Financial reasons are the number one reason people get divorced and if you aren’t on the same page now, you most likely won’t be 5, 10, or 15 years later."
2."The way he treats OTHER people, not just me. That is, he was good to me early on — because he wanted to impress me. The poor treatment came later. So the lesson I learned is to watch how he (or she) treats OTHER people. Since they’re not trying to impress them, you can spot their true colors much more easily that way. Watch how they treat their friends, family, coworkers, etc. You’re looking for a pattern of behavior."
3."Not keeping his word. He didn't keep his word on small things then and now he doesn't keep his word on larger things."
4."He always left dishes piled up in the sink until mold grew and didn't really pick up his clothes. It turns out, mommy did everything for him, so he never thought much about it. I should have realized this wasn't going to change when we moved in together."
5."Indecision, or being wishy-washy about small decisions. This led to him not being able to honor big commitments. He could be easily swayed."
6."Being a nice guy can also have its downfalls. Avoiding conflict at all costs, even saying sorry when it isn’t truly meant solves nothing. Something inside of him truly believes he can do no wrong, because he’s so nice, right?! Wrong. Turns out he believes he’s so nice so when he does something wrong, it’s all my fault, or it’s all my fault for not immediately accepting his sorry, and then he gets abusive because he believes he deserves to be forgiven on his terms. Not so nice after all."
7."How involved his parents are in your relationship. We were dating for only a few months and it’s like his parents were just always involved in our relationship. I actually didn’t ignore this sign. I ended up breaking up with him not too long after I noticed this, but I think this is a big one, ladies. To clarify: what I mean is that the parents would make decisions for him. They would kind of be in the know about things happening in our relationship, etc. It’s just weird, you know? We were in our mid-twenties. This kind of dynamic is just unhealthy. Period."
8."1. When he was proud of not ever doing anything he didn't want to. Turns out he's right, he won't, which included changing absolutely anything in his life when the children arrived. 2. The holes in the walls. Speaks for itself."
9."Persistence. At first, I was flattered that he didn’t just ignore my 'no' to dating him or my not answering my phone if I was upset. Persistence meant he cared! People who 'don’t care' just never mind it. Probably the MOST incorrect thing I ever believed. Persistence can be a red flag. Refusing to let you leave it at 'no' is a consent issue. Refusing to let you make the choice to not talk right now is a control issue. This is a sign this human doesn’t respect boundaries or consent. At first, five missed calls after a bicker is kinda charming. 15 years later, it’s threats to your life if you don’t answer now! NEVER mistake persistence for 'caring.' The only thing a human should ever persist on you is taking care of yourself. Any other reason is for their self-gain."
10."Little white lies. Turned out he also told huge lies as well."
11."Basic inability to do generic things like making doctors appointments. I’m now his mother in this aspect and it drives me up a wall."
12."His emotional repression and strict upbringing. It's apparent he has anger issues and can't deal with the stress of parenting. His reaction to stressful situations is anger and he's overbearing as a parent."
13."He's gaming all the time. He has initiative when I speak (I'm a PC player as well), but damn, I had to SCREAM a few times for help (mind you, I do most of the things myself, and when I ask for help, I really, really need it). I didn't know it would bother me until after a while. I was 18 when we met and dated only one guy before him, so I didn't really know better. Besides that, he's great though. Loving husband and I can always rely on him when it's for something serious."
14."Hiding out alone and avoiding problems instead of talking through them. Not prioritizing the relationship. Forgetting to be best friends. Being afraid to open up. Ending relationships when they get difficult instead of repairing them (I’m mostly talking with family although it happened with friends also). Not being able to talk about money. Not being able to problem solve as a team. Not understanding how to be on a team. Not understanding how to set and reach goals together. Making excuses for why you can’t do important things."
17."Inability to plan ahead. Maybe not the inability but the lack of knowledge that some things need planning far in advance. My friend has been with her fiancé for not even two years yet and they are getting married this year. But he didn’t realize the planning that went into a wedding and thought it just kind of happened (not literally, but you know). And then he told her he had something nice planned for her but had to scratch the plans because he didn’t know it was something you needed to plan in advance. To me, this indicates someone who had their parents do everything for them and she will be doing this for him forever. She brushes it off now as something that happens with all men — and maybe she enjoys this! But I would get sick of this fast if it kept happening."
18."Extreme jealousy. I dated someone who watched my house, tried to trace my calls, let me see no one but him, had constant arguments, was late, and insulted me."