Note: The below article discusses abuse.
While it may be easy to define the word "manipulation" — which is certain behaviors and tactics used by someone to gain power and control — it may be hard to identify these tactics in real life because the intent of the manipulator is to conceal. So when Reddit user u/neonroli47 asked the r/AskWomen community: "What kind of manipulation tactics have you experienced in a relationship that you want to warn others about?" I thought it would be helpful to share their experiences. Here's what they had to say below:
1. "Weaponized incompetence is the main one."
2. "Feeding you breadcrumbs and when you try moving on he starts giving you pieces of the loaf and acting like he changed only to start feeding breadcrumbs again after he knows he got you."
3. "Be wary of people who subtly put down the little things you enjoy. Say you have a song that’s your favorite. If they don’t like it, and they don’t just say, 'Eh, it’s not for me, but I’m glad you enjoy it,' but say, “I have no idea how you could find that enjoyable, honestly,” or anything harsher that shows their utter disrespect for your hobbies or what you enjoy — this is the first step in slowly making you feel like everything you enjoy is just embarrassing and making you lack confidence in yourself. This goes for the books you read, the clothes you wear, how you like your hair, the sports you play, the workouts you do, the type of dog you like, the pictures you like to hang on your wall. Basically, what I’m saying is, watch out for people who just put down your hobbies without attempting to actually engage with you about what you like/dislike about them."
4. "Saying, 'I'm a mess, you deserve better,' while looking at you with puppy eyes and doing nothing to be what you deserve."
5. "Isolating you from your friends and family."
6. "DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It can sometimes feel hard to distinguish this from a situation where both sides have legitimate grievances and are trying to explain why they feel the way that they do (which is healthy in a relationship). But I’ve found that a key difference is that in healthy relationships, the other person is actually willing to hear you out or try to empathize with your side. When it’s DARVO, in many cases they’ll accept no middle ground, no ‘We both messed up,’ just pure ‘I’m the victim and everything you did against me was wrong and evil.’"
"I'm currently going through this with a friend. She made a really hurtful statement and apparently, I’m a monster for not texting back that night after I said, 'I don’t want to talk about this anymore.' It’s really shitty how it makes you doubt your self-perception."
7. "Love bombing."
8. "Comparison to an ex."
"Including complaining: all the things she did 'wrong' to teach you how to behave."
9. "Picking fights on days/during events you are excited for."
10. "It really doesn’t matter if the person is fully aware of how manipulative selfish and unfair they’re being, or not. It doesn’t matter if they have a history of trauma (don’t we all??) and you understand why they are the way they are and you feel sympathy. It doesn’t matter if 'they said they’ll change.' (They won’t really.) What matters is they are hurting you and you don’t deserve it. You deserve a healthy relationship with open communication and both people trying their best for the other because they love each other. Both people need to be fully invested. Trying to make someone realize they are treating you badly and to stop, over and over again, isn’t that."
11. "Men who refuse to wear condoms, especially those who throw a nasty hissy fit when asked. They’re scary, they’re selfish, and reproductive coercion is sadly very common from men who wind up being abusive. If you ever encounter this, whether in a relationship or in a casual fling, please protect yourself by noping out of having him in your life."
12. "Gaslighting. To keep it short: I was with the sweetest boyfriend ever, but then one day, he started acting like a completely different person. It made me feel anxious, but I completely believed it was all in my head. I even went to therapy, and every time I asked him if something was up, he'd say I was imagining things and that everything was fine. I'll leave out the details because we're not supposed to derail, but turns out, I was 100% right, and it drove me into madness and depression for three months before realizing it. Trust your intuition. If you feel something is off, and your partner waves it off, that's not okay."
13. "A really common one is if he has a double standard for how you express disagreement with each other. Pay attention to it. They'll be direct or even blunt when expressing disagreement with you, but when you reflect the same style back to them, they get upset in some way, such as acting like you're attacking them or picking a fight. It's a dead giveaway that no matter how good an actor they might be, any pose of being a reasonable person is just that, an act."
14. "Goal post moving. It feels so shitty jumping through hoops for promises of something they actually never intended to give you, and they get to sit back and get all the benefits of having you without having to do anything for it."
15. "Showing up when you’re out with friends. Possessiveness. Jealousy."
16. "Projection. If they randomly start accusing you of stuff despite them having no proof or even reason as to why they are accusing you of something, then it could mean that they are doing it themselves. They want a reason to blame you to explain why they are doing what they are doing. Having doubts and insecurities is normal, but if it’s a constant thing after giving reassurance, then it might be time to start putting on your running shoes and get out of there."
17. "Taking control of finances, making large purchases without your input, suggest you work less so they can take care of you without you having access to the finances that you would be reliant on. Asking you to put something in your name for them or co-sign anything for them."
18. "Using therapy speak to their advantage. I would try to talk to my ex about certain things he did that I found hurtful, and he managed to turn it into me 'disrespecting his boundaries' because he didn’t want to talk about it. So I just never got to talk about things that bothered me. Also, when I asked questions like 'Why don’t you come and visit me anymore?' or 'Why don’t we go on dates anymore?' He told me I was 'gaslighting him' into thinking he was a bad boyfriend. So many men will do anything other than be accountable or own up to things — so using therapy speak to make it seem like they are a victim is a sneaky tool they use."
19. "It was just a joke."
20. "If your gut feels off, as in, he loves you and is the sweetest man you have ever met, but you always feel lonely and struggle to feel loved by him, then stop listening to all words. Keep a diary of actions, then ask yourself if that is how you wish to be treated and if the relationship is doing what you want in life. Usually, it isn't. Too many men say pretty things while you feel awful inside about how things are actually going. Pretty lies to smooth things over so nothing ever changes, gets deeper, proceeds further, and gets more real"
21. "Trying to hurt you emotionally to 'teach you a lesson/show them you how they felt' when you do something to hurt them on accident, even if you’re already clearly sorry about it and didn’t realize. This was the worst part about my first relationship."
22. "'Future faking.' This can involve making lots of sweet promises with no intention of keeping them or following through. These people tend to be expert sweet talkers, too, and very good at getting a sense of what your hopes and dreams are in order to paint a rosy picture and hook you into a future fantasy that appeals to you JUST to get what they want in the present."
23. "I have been in a relationship where I was stalked, abused, harassed, and threatened for a long time. I will give you some things I noticed from the beginning — just don’t be like my dumbass and make up an excuse because you think you are too harsh or whatever!"
Is there a particular manipulation tactic you've experienced in a relationship that you want to warn others about? Tell us what it is in the comments below:
The National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline is 1-888-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services; GoodTherapy.org is an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.
If you or someone you know is struggling with substance abuse, you can call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) and find more resources here.