"Beware Of Friends Who Consistently Play The Victim": People Are Sharing The Most Upsetting Lesson They Learned After A Friendship Ended

    "Don’t stay with a friend group just because you don’t want to be alone."

    Even though we all wish that friendships can last forever, sometimes they fall apart for a myriad of reasons.

    Two friends fighting on the couch

    However, just because it didn't work out doesn't mean that the friendship went to waste. In fact, whether you realize it right away or not, there is usually a lesson to be learned from these situations.

    So that's why we asked the BuzzFeed Community to share the toughest friendship lesson they've learned later in life —and here are some of their responses below.

    1. "If your friend is talking bad about your other friends all the time, then they are talking bad about you, too."


    2. "When your best friend is dating, filter what you share with them. Everything you say goes to their better half. I started dating my best friend’s boyfriend’s friend. And every word of what I said to my best friend reached my boyfriend’s ear, which was then used against me every time."

    "My best friend even started supporting him rather than me because he would constantly talk to her regarding our relationship rather than with me. I had to break off the relationship and ended up losing my best friend."


    3. "All friendships go through cycles of closeness and distance. It doesn't mean that that person is not your friend anymore. Distance is sometimes nobody's fault."


    Young woman talking long-distance with smartphone camera

    4. "As a Black woman, I had to re-evaluate my relationships with white women quite a bit the last few years. I’m adopted into a white family and grew up in a small town that was predominantly white in Oregon. So I was in white spaces most of my life. However, over the last few years, those spaces became draining, often with white women feminism and them having to feel that everything that Black women/femmes/thems experience has to be comparable to something they’ve experienced for them to care. Most of them had to center themselves somehow."

    "Forcing themselves into marginalized communities to distance themselves from what privilege or doing the work with anti-racism requires. I’ve started to call it out more or completely disconnect myself from women like that. They cause so much more mental and emotional harm than blatant racists, in my opinion."


    5. "Even your 'friends' can say things that hurt you, and you’ll just never consult them because you're too scared to lose them. But if you are truly friends and are meant to stay together, that trust and transparency with feelings is important."


    6. "The importance of keeping someone’s confidences and secrets! My best friend and roommate was engaged to her off-and-on again, longtime boyfriend who was also my friend. I was home alone one day and a woman knocked on our door with a paternity test for my roommate’s fiancé claiming he had fathered a child with another woman. My roommate begged me not to tell anyone because she still wanted to marry her fiancé that summer. This was probably the fourth time she had concrete evidence that he had cheated. I asked her to tell her family and other friends. One night, though, I was so fed up that I confided in one of our mutual friends that my roommate was making a huge mistake."

    "That friend ended up telling other people—and the secret was out. My roommate never forgave me. She completely cut me out of her life. She eventually broke up with her fiancé, but she stayed in a relationship with him for another year. She also stayed friends with our mutual friend. While I thought that wasn’t fair, I understood that I had broken her trust and betrayed her confidence. That was 10 years ago and over the last 10 years, I’ve reached out a few times to try to mend fences. She has politely responded once or twice but still has me blocked on social media. Losing her was the most heartbreaking relationship loss I ever experienced. It was a very painful lesson on keeping secrets and how involved to get in friends’ relationships." 


    Two friends sharing secrets with one another

    7. "If your 'friend' pencils you in for an activity, but cancels when a better offer comes along, you're not a friend, you're entertainment. Sure, it happens to everyone once in a while, but pay attention to the frequency. I finally let that friendship slide."


    8. "It’s ok to stop being friends with someone if they are antisemitic. Truly saddened me to find out that they were."


    9. "Don’t stay with a friend group just because you don’t want to be alone. I stayed with a group of friends that spread rumors about me, talked behind my back, left me out of things they were doing, and would completely ignore me. It ruined my self-esteem, and to this day, I have trust issues with creating friendships."


    A man alone in his home looking upset while he sits on a couch

    10. "You’ve got to be your own friend."


    11. "Sometimes, there will be someone in your larger friend group that you don't click with. THAT'S OKAY! In fact, it's pretty amazing to have a diverse group of friends, because it gives everyone the opportunity to break off for more niche interests. I love everyone in my group for what they bring individually, even if we're not *best* friends."


    12. "It’s not a true friendship if you’re the only one doing the work."


    13. "NEVER join in on talking crap about their significant other when they're freshly broken up. There is a good chance that they will get back together and then use what you said during that time to alienate you. They think that you don't like their boyfriend/girlfriend because of the things you said while trying to validate them and be a good friend."


    Two friends sitting on a bench talking

    14. "Growing apart doesn't mean that either of you did anything wrong. Friendships don't always end because they became toxic. It's okay to miss what you had and know that you're no longer compatible in your current stages of life."


    15. "Your friends shouldn't control who you could be friends with. They might not get along with the same people you do, but that doesn't mean you cant be friends with either party."


    16. "If you notice that your friend has trouble being happy for you when something goes well or that you have trouble being happy for them, it’s time to move on. Jealousy can create such deep resentment in friendships and everyone deserves for those around them to be excited when good things happen. I realized that my relationship with one of my best friends was at the end when I shared that I had finished a project I was proud of and instead of being excited for me, she kept saying. 'Well, anyone could have done that.' Well, it took time and patience and I was proud of accomplishing it!"

    "Find people who will not only celebrate the big happy things with you but also, the little things, like finally finding a pair of pants that are the right length! That’s been my green flag for friendships ever since."


    Two friends talking to each other outside while looking at a phone

    17. "Sometimes there is literally nothing you can do to save a friendship, so let them go. My best friend's husband made moves on me, more than once. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt at first and told him not to do it again. Then, he flat-out propositioned me. I told my friend and showed her the messages, but he tried to lie at first—so, she showed the proof, and he finally admitted it. However, I was cut off as a friend immediately. Why? I was 'too tempting' and she wanted to save her marriage."

    "I was devastated and haven't fully recovered roughly five years later. I touched base with her off and on, trying to figure out how to remedy things because I missed her, but she always ended up ghosting me again."


    18. "True friends accept that people change. If they're not willing to grow with you, or if they somehow hold that against you, then oh, well."


    19. "Make. Time. For. Your. Friends. My best friend lived five minutes away from me and we barely saw each other in the last few years, despite us both wanting to. There was always 'something' — the kids had extracurriculars going on, I was too tired, it was winter, whatever. If I had made more of an effort overall, I wouldn't be regretting not spending enough time with someone I cared about so much. She passed away unexpectedly last month. If I learned anything, it's to put more into my relationships while I can."


    A woman sitting on the ground looking sad

    20. "Beware of friends who think the world revolves around them and who cut people off when reality sets in. I had a friend who, every year, never called or texted any of her friends happy birthday. She said she wasn’t able to because she was busy and bad with dates. One mutual friend forgot to send her a birthday wish one year and she was dropped like a fly and called a terrible friend by the birthday girl. Meanwhile, this mutual friend was very busy as she had moved to a new city and started a new job — it simply slipped her mind."

    "If someone cannot put themselves in others’ shoes and cannot see their obvious hypocrisy in the way they treat others, it is a huge red flag. Let them go out of respect for yourself and the well-being of your much truer friends."


    21. "If there's ONE positive and a HUNDRED negatives about that friendship, don't stick to the positive. Let them go."


    22. "It’s great to be a supportive friend when someone is going through a hard time, but I’ve learned it’s so important to take care of yourself first. I put so much energy into a friendship when she was struggling with her mental health, only for the friendship to end (dramatically). I put myself in such a bad place and let my own mental health deteriorate, which didn’t help either of us in the long run. Now I know that in order to fully support my friends, I need to make sure I take care of my own mental health."


    A woman meditating in her living room

    23. "One of the best things I've ever heard regarding the end of a friendship, was that friendships can either be a reason, a season, or a lesson. If your friendship ends, you can look at these categories and help with understanding and healing. The friendship you had was there for a reason. Maybe your friendship was just for a season of your life. Or perhaps, the friendship was a lesson you needed to learn."


    24. "Friends who forget about you when they have a S.O. are not very good friends."


    25. "Beware of friends who consistently play the victim. I'm not talking about a friend who is genuinely experiencing a difficult time—I'm talking about friends who blame everyone but themselves for their situations. If your friend has been fired multiple times, has trouble keeping friends and romantic partners, and generally attracts drama and chaos, yet refuses to take ownership of their circumstances, beware. They are the root of all of their own problems, and they'll drag you down with them sooner or later."


    26. "It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends."


    Two smiling female friends talking together over glasses of wine while sitting on a sofa outside on a patio

    27. "The biggest (and hardest) friendship lesson I've learned is that I am often 'the toxic friend.' Justifying my mistakes and blaming others only limits the joy and growth I could have in my connections. If you have bad habits in your relationships, own them, see them, and try your best to change them. Strive to meet the needs of people you take for granted in your life."


    Did you learn a tough friendship lesson after a friendship ended? How did you feel afterward? Let us know in the comments below!