The 5 People You (Unfortunately) Encounter On An Airplane

Since I am a budding Buzzfeed enthusiast (for those of you that have never heard of Buzzfeed look up their videos - they are usually informative and often hilarious) and want to keep my blog relevant I have decided I am going to write a series of blogs, when I have time, in a Buzzfeed-type methodology. Without further ado, here is the first..

1. The Sleeper

On every airplane there are a few. You know, the ones with the headphones pressed to their ears, with their mouths wide open, drool pooling on their backrest tray. Sitting next to a Sleeper, you might think you can get some work done or maybe read a book in peace. And you would be right. But when you have to go to the bathroom it's like the end of the world as we know it. The bathroom is like an oasis in the middle of the desert; a sight for sore eyes but unreachable by any means. The only way to the bathroom is over your seat mate who by now is about three hundred sheep in and unlikely to come back. Give it up and sip that water slowly, the bathroom is a ways away and not getting any closer by our measure.

2. The Baby Bringer

Oh god why not just leave the baby home with the mother-in-law? Well, we want to the baby to experience things; just because he is a baby doesn't mean he can't learn and experience.

...Really?

So just because you want your baby to learn and experience things I have to sit here and endure hours upon hours of hysterics and bawling and the worst noises that could ever possibly come out of a human being. And for your baby to EXPERIENCE THINGS?! While I stuff cotton so deep into my eardrums that I expect them, expect them to bleed profusely your baby is experiencing air travel. And when their ears pop and my ears are afforded another 110 decibel blast of noise (and I'm two rows away, imagine those well within the blast radius) I'm going to wish they never experience anything ever again. But I'm going to speak politely, "Miss would you please calm that baby down? I'm trying to rest", meanwhile I'm thinking, "IF YOU DONT SHUT THAT DAMN BABY UP THIS ESCAPE HATCH IS OPENING AND YOU'RE GONNA ENJOY A LONG TRIP DOWN I'LL TELL YA THAT MUCH". But no, I refrain.

3. The Nervous Nelly

"Is this plane safe?", "Are there barf bags?" (for lack of a better term), "How much weight can this plane hold?" If you've seen a nervous nelly, you know it. They are usually the people asking ridiculous and unnecessary questions (many of which are simply impossible to answer) in order to ensure their own safety. The conversation with a nervous nelly starts out as mere curiosity, maybe asking about the speed of the thrust of the plane or about how high our traveling altitude is. Soon, though, all sense dissolves and the nervous nelly is asking questions out of left field. "Do we have enough parachutes for everyone?", the type of questions you don't really want to know the answer to. Aside from putting a bag over their head the best you can do is slip on your headphones and drift off. Just remember not to drool.

4. The Can This Fit Guy

Everyone is seated and ready to take off, t minus 5 minutes, and in comes this guy with a refrigerator-sized suitcase. No idea how he got it on the plane but its gonna have to fit somewhere. He first tries cramming it into the overhead storage, which let's be honest, has seen better days, and when that is a wash he tries to go under the seat with it. Of course that's never going to work, the overhead storage is MUCH bigger than under the seat storage. This guy is perserverant though, gotta hand it to him. He struggles mightily to get his suitcase into the absurdly small overhead bin, muscles straining, veins popping out, and sweat beading his forehead. With a pop and a sound eerily reminiscent of something breaking, his luggage slides awkwardly into its spot. He sits down next to you, wiping his forehead with the back of his hand, "That wasn't so bad". You nod and smile vacantly thinking what the hell planet is this guy from that was like performing open heart surgery.

5. The Talker/The Buddy

Summing up our list is The Talker, a rare compadre, which if left alone, will continue to spout nonsense off into the universe. The Talker needs a Buddy which is why this number is reserved for two spots. The Talker meets up with a Buddy and the universe is in perfect alignment, the yin and the yang and all that are perfectly balanced. The Talker talks about where they're from, what they do, and where they're traveling to, and the Buddy nods and "Yup"s when appropriate. The Talker is blissfully unaware of all the angry looks he/she is garnering from all the people nearby who are simply trying to catch a wink. All he/she is concerned with is voicing their opinion, oftentimes for all to hear. The Buddy is a usually unwilling participant in the conversation and is stranded on their own little island for the duration of the flight. The real warrior here is the Buddy.