What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

    It's NOT healthy, and it sure ain't happy.

    So! You're thinking about trying one of those "juice cleanses" everyone's been chatting about.

    The companies that sell cleanses are great at making you think you'll feel like this:

    You'll just float along for days on a cloud of virtue and weightlessness!

    You'll have all of the energy, all of the time!

    And it will all be delicious and wonderful!

    But the reality is...a little different.

    By somewhere around your third juice, you will be SO. TIRED. OF. JUICE.

    It will actually become painful to drink.

    You won't be able to get anything done because you have to pee every 20 minutes.

    You'll be exhausted. Because guess what you're not allowed to drink?

    And bored, because guess what else you're not allowed to drink?

    And maybe a little dizzy, too!

    Not to mention the obvious: It will feel like you're starving.

    Being constantly confronted by things you can't have = chronically hangry.

    You'll feel like this cat ALL THE TIME.

    And the thing you'll miss more than the food itself is just CHEWING.

    As a result, you'll be moody as all get-out.

    Which makes everyone around you uncomfortable.

    And your endlessly talking about how bad your cleanse is will only make it worse.

    By day three, desperation will set in.

    Your starved brain will start playing tricks on you.

    Your friends will be increasingly concerned.

    And the worst part? It's NOT EVEN WORTH IT.

    First of all, because juicing is crazy expensive.

    BluePrint charges $65 for ONE day's worth of juice.

    You're paying a huge markup for someone to squish food for you and put it in a cute bottle.

    Consuming food in juice form is NOT healthier than eating normally.

    In fact, it's worse.

    Your body needs a lot more than just sugar and vitamins to function.

    The idea that juice can "detox" your body is a myth.

    You probably won't even lose weight.

    Surviving on liquid for days means you'll hit the junk food that much harder afterward.

    The only sustainable, healthy way to diet is to eat clean, sensible, REAL food.

    For the sake of your mental health, if nothing else.

    Because chances are, someone else pressured you into juicing to begin with.

    And you're lying to yourself to get through it.

    Did you learn NOTHING from Mean Girls?

    Don't ever eat weird things that other people say will magically make you skinny.

    Let's face it: If you were following your heart, being true to YOU, a "cleanse" would look like this:

    So the next time someone asks if you want to juice with them, feel free to respond like so: