19 Completely Terrifying Vintage Sex Toys

Good luck getting through this list without crossing your legs and clenching.

1. Dr. Macaura's Pulsocon Blood Circulator (circa 1880–1920)

Via antiquevibratormuseum.com

According to the Antique Vibrator Museum, this device had "a strong vibration and a sound like a ratchet." You know, to help you get in the mood.

2. The Detwiller Pneumatic Vibrator (1906)

Via antiquevibratormuseum.com

This looks more like turn-of-the-century dental equipment than something designed for pleasure.

3. The Arnold Massage Vibrator (1909)

Vintage Vibrator Museum image courtesy of Babeland, LLC. © Constance&Eric, All Rights Reserved / Via constanceanderic.com

According to the Vintage Vibrator Museum, author Mark Twain owned an Arnold; we're still not convinced.

4. The Infra-Red Heat Massager

Via antiquevibratormuseum.com

"Scientifically designed small to reach the small crevices and contours of the face and body." Um, infrared heat on your small crevices sounds like a BAD idea.

5. The Polar Club Electric Vibrator (1928)

Via antiquevibratormuseum.com

It's impossible to imagine this electric vibrator being at all quiet or discreet. Or feeling good.

6. The Rolling Pin Heat Massager (1932)

Via antiquevibratormuseum.com

A heat massage sounds nice in theory, but do you really want to poke yourself with a hot rolling pin?

7. The Oster Stim-U-Lax for Barbers (1948)

Vintage Vibrator Museum image courtesy of Babeland, LLC. © Constance&Eric, All Rights Reserved. / Via constanceanderic.com

This intimidating strap-to-your-hand model had "forceful vibrations" and a "large, strong motor."

8. The Stim-U-Lax Junior

Via antiquevibratormuseum.com

If the original Stim-U-Lax is too much for you, you could try the smaller model, which is...equally upsetting.

9. The Vibrosage (1933)

Via antiquevibratormuseum.com

This little guy is kind of adorable...until you look at the spiked attachment.

10. The Handy Hannah (1950)

Vintage Vibrator Museum image courtesy of Babeland, LLC. © All Rights Reserved. / Via vintagevibrators.com

Clearly designed to make your labia frown.

11. The Niagra Hand Unit (1965–1976)

Vintage Vibrator Museum image courtesy of Babeland, LLC. © Constance&Eric, All Rights Reserved. / Via constanceanderic.com

Just in case you were unsure, the pointed end goes UP. (The good news? The Niagra had the Good Housekeeping stamp of approval.)

12. The Wahl Hand-E Vibrator (1957)

Vintage Vibrator Museum image courtesy of Babeland, LLC. © Constance&Eric, All Rights Reserved. / Via constanceanderic.com

While the Hand-E vibrator was the predecessor to some modern vibrators, it's still a little foreboding.

13. The Spot Reducer (1950s)

Via antiquevibratormuseum.com

Like many early vibrators, the Spot Reducer claimed to help users lose weight. It also featured a vibrating rubber suction cup.

14. The Hollywood Vibra-Tone (1940s)

Via antiquevibratormuseum.com

Another model that promised weight loss (and nightmares).

15. The Chic Electric Vibrator (1910)

Vintage Vibrator Museum image courtesy of Babeland, LLC. © All Rights Reserved. / Via vintagevibrators.com

There's absolutely nothing chic about this.

16. The Vibra-King Activator (1922)

Vintage Vibrator Museum image courtesy of Babeland, LLC. © Constance&Eric, All Rights Reserved. / Via constanceanderic.com

This looks...aggressive.

17. The Prelude 3 (1976)

Vintage Vibrator Museum image courtesy of Babeland, LLC. © Constance&Eric, All Rights Reserved. / Via constanceanderic.com

We can't get on board with a vibrator that has the color and overall vibe of orthopedic shoes.

18. The Massage Master VII (1928)

Vintage Vibrator Museum image courtesy of Babeland, LLC. © Constance&Eric, All Rights Reserved. / Via constanceanderic.com

NOPE.

19. The Eskimo 750 (1949)

Vintage Vibrator Museum image courtesy of Babeland, LLC. © Constance&Eric, All Rights Reserved. / Via constanceanderic.com

Don't you just want to get cozy with this on a cold winter's night? *cries*

For more vibrators that will haunt your dreams, check out the Vintage Vibrator Museum and the Antique Vibrator Museum.