DIY

19 Completely Terrifying Vintage Sex Toys

Good luck getting through this list without crossing your legs and clenching.

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3. The Arnold Massage Vibrator (1909)

Vintage Vibrator Museum image courtesy of Babeland, LLC. © Constance&Eric, All Rights Reserved / Via constanceanderic.com

According to the Vintage Vibrator Museum, author Mark Twain owned an Arnold; we're still not convinced.

4. The Infra-Red Heat Massager

Via antiquevibratormuseum.com

"Scientifically designed small to reach the small crevices and contours of the face and body." Um, infrared heat on your small crevices sounds like a BAD idea.

7. The Oster Stim-U-Lax for Barbers (1948)

Vintage Vibrator Museum image courtesy of Babeland, LLC. © Constance&Eric, All Rights Reserved. / Via constanceanderic.com

This intimidating strap-to-your-hand model had "forceful vibrations" and a "large, strong motor."

11. The Niagra Hand Unit (1965–1976)

Vintage Vibrator Museum image courtesy of Babeland, LLC. © Constance&Eric, All Rights Reserved. / Via constanceanderic.com

Just in case you were unsure, the pointed end goes UP. (The good news? The Niagra had the Good Housekeeping stamp of approval.)

12. The Wahl Hand-E Vibrator (1957)

Vintage Vibrator Museum image courtesy of Babeland, LLC. © Constance&Eric, All Rights Reserved. / Via constanceanderic.com

While the Hand-E vibrator was the predecessor to some modern vibrators, it's still a little foreboding.

17. The Prelude 3 (1976)

Vintage Vibrator Museum image courtesy of Babeland, LLC. © Constance&Eric, All Rights Reserved. / Via constanceanderic.com

We can't get on board with a vibrator that has the color and overall vibe of orthopedic shoes.

19. The Eskimo 750 (1949)

Vintage Vibrator Museum image courtesy of Babeland, LLC. © Constance&Eric, All Rights Reserved. / Via constanceanderic.com

Don't you just want to get cozy with this on a cold winter's night? *cries*

For more vibrators that will haunt your dreams, check out the Vintage Vibrator Museum and the Antique Vibrator Museum.