The World Is Shit, So Here's A Little Feel-Good Routine

Your guide to feeling good even when everything feels kinda bad.

Life is an effing bear trap, you guys.

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Like, if it's not a guy screaming at you to smile and then calling you bitch when you don't, or your goddamn uterus seizing up and then forcing actual LITERAL BLOOD out of you, it's Prince dying or Donald Trump shouting about how everyone ELSE is a bigot, he is definitely not a bigot, no siree! Oh, and what's that, you say? Mercury is in retrograde right now? Of course it is.

Ugh. Sometimes you just need to just give yourself a few gaht damb hours to just feel GOOD, you know what I'm saying?

So here's my foolproof plan for feeling rather good even when everything feels kinda bad:

1. Put clean sheets on your bed.

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Listen, I hate the act of washing my sheets as much as the next girl, but I can't deny how much better my sheets feel, or how much better I sleep, when I do.

2. Do some kind of sweaty workout.

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Yoga, running, sex, dancing around your apartment, whatever. Even just going for a power walk will often get the job done. (If you can't work out for whatever reason, feel free to skip this step!)

3. Dry-brush your skin.

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I've been dry brushing for five years and it's great! I can't say that it removes cellulite, as some have claimed, but it definitely removes ashiness, which is more important to me, tee-bee-aitch.

4. Take a shower.

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And go ahead and shave while you're at it, if that's a thing you do.

5. Moisturize your body with coconut oil.

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Ahhh, this is when things really start to get good! Dry brushing + warm shower + coconut oil = soft skin for DAYS. (Or at least for like 24 hours.)

6. Put on a robe.

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Most days, I don't bother with a robe. But on the days when I'm taking things to the next level, I always make time for it. Whether you favor a casual yet elegant jersey robe (shout-out to my Gilligan & O'Malley robes from Target), a broken-in terry cloth robe, this one from Pottery Barn that I plan to buy as soon the temperature drops below 60 degrees, or a sheer, floor-length, fur-trimmed robe that says "I definitely didn't murder my wealthy husband because I'm having an affair with the gardener, what ever do you mean, officer?" the choice is yours. As long as whatever you're wearing makes it easier to be underwear-free and feel the breeze across your well-moisturized asscheeks and thighs for anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour. (If you don't have a robe, just lounge in your towel for a bit.)

7. Get dressed in some comfy clean clothes.

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Once your coconut oil has been absorbed and/or you're starting to get cold, it's time to get dressed! Now listen: We all have that pile of gently worn clothes in our room that we pull from regularly, maybe even more than we pull from our actual closets. There are very few occasions when I'd recommend not drawing from that pile, but your wedding day, *some* job interviews, and this, the day you're completing my eight-step program, are on the very short list. Get something that's fresh — not wrinkled (I know, I know), not covered in dog hair, and doesn't need to be subjected to a smell test.

Beyond avoiding the "semi-clean-ish" pile, opt for stuff that's super soft and just makes you feel good when you wear it. I have found a lot of success by wearing one thing that's rather loose and comfy and one thing that's really tight and comfy. (Like a really soft long-sleeved T-shirt + my favorite leggings.) Other times I go entirely in one direction (all tight or all loose). I know that tight clothing seems sort of at odds with our plan for maximum comfort, but I've found that tight clothes can actually be sort of great — it's like a human Thundershirt!

8. Retire to either the couch or to your bed.

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You've done it! Your body is ready. Now it's time to luxuriate in your heightened state of comfort. Read a book, do your nails, get stoned and watch Planet Earth, put on a face mask...whatever pleases your soul. For the next few hours, things are gonna feel OK.

Ahhhhhhhh.