back to top

21 Things Your Friends Who Didn't Move To London Are Thinking

Don't be turning into a Southern shandy now.

Posted on

1. Just because we don't live in London, you don't need to talk to us like we're small children.

We get it: You're having loads of amazing adventures in London. But we're having an alright time up north too.

2. That said, we'd like you to meet us at Euston station when we come to visit.

Getting the tube on our own is daunting. And we definitely don't know how to use an Oyster card correctly. We need you with us.

3. You may know London like the back of your hand, but please remember that we don't.

And we feel really silly walking round gormlessly like a lost tourist. Plus no signal on the underground really doesn't help.

4. We feel pretty smug about being able to drive to work in half an hour.

Outside London, you can drive faster than 5mph. Without being beeped at.

5. And about being able to get a round for under a tenner.

Hare and Hounds in Foulridge Lancashire. Beer £2 a pint! Makes a southerner weep.

£7 for a glass of wine? Are you having a laugh? You can still get a pint with a head on for £2 in Manchester.

6. We remember when you were up for pie, chips, and gravy on a Friday night.

"Oh, there's so much amazing street food in London," you say now. But on a Friday night, we don't want falafel, kale, or curried buffalo bollocks. And we really don't want to eat in the street.

7. You've started losing your accent, which makes us sad.

Now you say things like "barf" and "graars" instead of "bath" and "grass". We wish you'd hang onto your accent; It never did Liam Gallagher any harm.

8. And we really don't understand why you've started wearing a coat out.

We used go out clubbing when it was -10°C wearing only a beer jacket to shield us from the elements. And now you're wearing a coat? Come on: Us Northerners are made of stronger stuff.

9. It's OK when people who work in shops chat to you.

Up North, it's quite normal for shop assistants to ask what you're up to today. In London, it's like they're trying to work out whether they can go and rob your house. Just remember: There's nothing wrong with being friendly.

10. We love your taxi drivers though.

We like that London cabbies are everywhere, and that they don't mind a natter.

11. That said, we don't get why you all quibble over Uber fares.

No wonder the drivers moan. They work in the worst city in the country to drive around in, and then get idiots scrimping over a few quid. And they say Northerners are tight!

12. We know you earn loads more money than us, and we're very proud of you.

There's no nobility in poverty. I've been a poor man and I've been a rich man. I choose rich every fucking time.

But it’s all relative, because we can go out on a Saturday night and still come home with change from £50.

13. But we can buy a two bedroom flat for less than £100,000.

For the same price you could treat yourself to a parking space next to Hyde Park. Or one of those horrid bedsits where you pee in the same room as you sleep and eat.

For the same price you could treat yourself to a parking space next to Hyde Park. Or one of those horrid bedsits where you pee in the same room as you sleep and eat.

14. There's loads to see and do in London, but there's plenty of choice up North too.

We can hop in the car and enjoy breathtaking views in the Lakes, the Yorkshire Dales, the Derbyshire Peak District, or Northumberland. There's plenty of fun stuff going on up here.

15. There are hipsters outside of London too.

You can’t move in Manchester’s Northern Quarter for vintage shops, blokes with beards, and tattoos. And let's not forget Earnest, the Chorlton Hipster Elephant.

16. There's no need to walk so fast.

You don't have to walk fast, tutting and huffing at everyone who crosses your path. What's wrong with a good, old dawdle?

17. Our sports are waaaay better than yours.

OK so the Olympics were epic, we’ll give you that. But we’ve got the Grand National, Rugby League, darts, whippet racing, pigeon fancying, Cumberland wrestling, and ferret legging.

18. We secretly think online dating must be much easier for you.

There must just be more people on Tinder in London. That's what we tell ourselves, anyway.

19. But the main thing we don't understand is: What is it with the black snot?

@perrigame Black bogeys are the least funny thing about London.....oh wait, there's more.....

After a day in London you blow your nose and black bogeys come out. That’s just gross. Give me back my clean, country air!

20. Really, we just miss you.

We know you're only two hours away, but it's not the same as nipping round your house for a cuppa and a chin wag.

21. And we want you to come home, so we can teach you to drink again.

People just don’t seem to get absolutely bladdered down South. And we want the old you back. Because if there’s one thing us Northerners know, it’s how to party!