1. Which M60 turn-off should I get off at?
2. Hmmm, I want to park in Selfridges, which is slap in the middle.
3. Argh, I've got off at the bloody wrong turn-off, haven't I?
4. Isn't it amazing how people forget how to park here and just ramp their car up wherever?
5. Now, how am I gonna remember where I've parked?
6. Should I take a photo of the row like my mum does, or will I look like a knob?
7. Nah, I'll remember. I'm not old enough to take a photo of where I've parked my car.
8. Why are there people taking photos of themselves outside the Trafford Centre?
9. God, it's busy. I wish they'd invent some kind of one-way system rather than just letting people dash everywhere.
10. There are a lot of pissed-off-looking blokes in here.
11. I'm glad I left mine at home.
12. Why would anyone in her right mind come here with somebody?
13. Has anyone ever thought: "Ooh, the Trafford Centre. Such a lovely place for a date."
14. If I wanted to dump a S.O., I'd bring him here.
15. Why are there people walking round with no bags? Surely you only come to places like this to shop?
16. Maybe they're just...browsing?
17. Ahhhh, but then there is the food court.
18. Talking of which, why is it shaped like the Titanic? Is it somehow linked to Manchester?
19. Wouldn't it be ace if Gok Wan was here doing How to Look Good Naked right now?
20. How the bloody hell does he talk women into getting naked in front of the whole Trafford Centre?
21. And what is it with the old dears ballroom dancing down there?
22. Hmmm, now what shall I eat?
23. Pizza Express Leggera Polla Ad Astra only has 418 calories! It'd be rude not to!
24. And it's a good idea to carb-load before I start shopping.
25. How old do you have to be to stop shopping in Miss Selfridge?
26. God, their sizes have got smaller. I'm sure I remember getting in their size 8...in 1995. ::sobs::
27. Can you still go in Forever 21 when you're nearly twice that?
28. If you act like you're still 21, it must be OK?
29. No. No, it's not. Unless you're someone's mum.
30. Do I need another pair of Topshop Leigh skinny jeans?
31. I mean, you can never have too many pairs of Topshop Leigh skinny jeans.
32. My god, how is she shopping in six-inch heels?
33. Ah, she's a Scouser.
34. Omg, there's a girl in Zara wearing ROLLERS?
35. She must be a Scouser as well.
36. Why do Scouse lads wear Liverpool shirts when they come here?
37. Do they really want to advertise where they're from?
38. Ey, is she from Corrie?
39. And what is that old car doing by the entrance to Chinatown?
40. Ah, Waterstone's. Isn't it nice that people still go in?
41. Like my mum.
42. Buggered if I'm paying full price though.
43. Same goes for HMV and Thomas Cook.
44. They don't half look bored in there.
45. Seriously, though: Who doesn't book their holiday online?
46. The people eating in Selfridges look very posh.
47. Will I ever be posh enough to eat there?
48. Or rich enough to buy all my chocolate from Hotel Chocolat?
49. No, please, I don't want to be sprayed with perfume.
50. Ooooh, I'd like to try some Jo Malone though.
51. At Jo Malone they know how to treat a lady of a certain age.
52. A lady who loves wasting money.
53. I wonder how many free samples I can blag.
54. The Selfridges beauty counter ladies look so glam.
55. Like The Real Housewives of Cheshire, but with less Botox.
56. I can't believe they let Primark into Selfridges.
57. That said, they do only have the nice stuff in there.
58. How is the Apple shop always so busy?
59. And why do I always feel so STUPID when I ask for help in there?
60. Why does Victoria's Secret look like a jumble sale?
61. And everything in there is so BRIGHT!
62. Why are 90% of the lasses in here wearing leggings?
63. I know they're a comfy shopping pant, but can't they see they go transparent when overly stretched?
64. And must these skinny young girls taunt me in their crop tops?
65. Why do they keep taking selfies?
66. How good must that tarot lady be?
67. She's always got a massive queue.
68. Should I get a reading?
69. Nah, can't be arsed to queue.
70. But if she's here, it means that the "dropped wallet" urban myth can't be true.
71. Because if there were a terrorist attack, she'd see it coming.
72. Just going to have a sneaky look in Ann Summers. Here's hoping no one sees me.
73. Hang on, there are small children in here!
74. Have their mothers no shame? How do they explain what a dildo is?
75. Where the bloody hell are the toilets?
76. Ah, found them.
77. How can they be award-winning and smell so minging?
78. I'll just nip in Boots, I only need a few bits.
79. Well, I appear to have bought half of Boots.
80. A £5 No. 7 voucher? Best use it now before it runs out, eh?
81. I'm knackered. Best get myself a Starbucks.
82. Eughhh, my feet are really hurting.
83. I wonder how many calories I've burned off today.
84. Deffo enough to justify a millionaires' shortbread.
85. What do you mean, my card's had a stop put on it?
86. Best get back to the car then.
87. Now where did I leave it?!