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1.A case of Soylent for anyone who's ever wanted to drink all of their meals instead of having to chew like an IDIOT.
3.A Soda Stream so you can make seltzer from scratch. Yeah, that's right, I said "from scratch" like a cake or pie crust. Seltzer deserves the same reverence as our grandmothers' recipes.
4.A set of four Himalayan salt tequila glasses with a wood serving tray to give your shots the salty finish that will elevate top- and bottom- shelf tequila alike.
5.A bottle rack for finally organizing the unstable mountain of water bottles that have accumulated in your cabinets. Dismantle Mount Bottle and give those cuties a forever home!
6.A Cuisinart electric juicer to extract all that liquid gold out of your citrus. This one has three pulp settings, so you can select your perfect level of the good stuff. (Even though maximum pulp is the only right answer. Yes, I'm from Florida, why do you ask?)
7.OR, to get a little fancier, a citrus press for pulverizing fruit with a simple squeeze. Why is the citrus press not included in the "Simple Machines" lesson plan in elementary school when it's the only simple machine that even matters?
10.A French press travel mug — apparently all the times I squeezed my eyes shut and wished with all of my might that I could drink coffee right out of a French press PAID OFF!
11.Some '90s jazz cup print swimwear that says "Yeah, I liked beverages before it was cool."
12.A copy of A History of the World in Six Glasses, which takes a look at human history chronologically through the eras of beer, wine, spirits, coffee, tea, and Coca-Cola. The epilogue is about water, which is fitting considering the tears I'll be shedding after reading a book so beautiful.
13.A shower beer or wine holder because drinking an adult beverage in the shower is L-I-T-E-R-A-L-L-Y the greatest feeling in the world.
14.A pack of Bottle Bright tabs to fix your most dire mistakes. During a lifetime of toting tumblers around everywhere you go, you're bound to forget to clean one eventually. We no longer have to toss our fallen comrades in disgust, but can instead restore them to their former glory!
15.A baby pink or classic Coke tee because if I've learned one thing from life (and Mad Men) it's that Coca-Cola may be the key to world peace and inner joy.