The Sassy Gay Guide To Bitcoin!

Your guide to stroking ASSets, tipping porn stars, girl scout cookies and how to ride the wave of the world's most successful digital currency.

Bitcoin is a digital currency --- IT'S IN THE COMPUTER!

That's right, there are no physical Bitcoins. Bitcoins are pieces of data generated by complex computer code that millions of people accept to have a value. You can exchange Bitcoins for cash money, money, money, or trade them for goods and services.

Computers are so Gay. So AMAZINGLY GAY!

Let's never forget the amazing gay that founded computer science, Alan Turing. OMG, then he took cryptography to a whole new level by cracking the Nazi's top secret Enigma code. He's British, so obvi he's So Fetch! But when the police found him shacking up with his male lover, they arrested him and sentenced him to hormone treatment to cure him. Boo those Whores! At just 41 years young, Alan died from biting into a poisoned apple.

We invented Money. We can invent better money!

Money is a technology that provides three things: a standard way to exchange goods and services, a measure of worth and a way to store value. Whether a mark, a yen, a buck or a pound, the majority of money now is created by nations.

All currencies are just a collective illusion

Like diamonds. We value diamonds because we collectively believe they are rare and that they have value. But not so much. The diamond companies aggressively control supply to create scarcity to drive up prices. Fun Fact: Some Scientists believe Saturn and Jupiter rain DIAMONDS.

The Value of Bitcoin is built on the Trust of the Bitcoin Community which is Growing Every Day!

You go Karen! Bitcoin exists because millions of people around the world trust that it has value. Being a Bitcoin holder means you are part of community of people who shout "She goes to this School" and are ready to accept you and your assets.

Who created Bitcoin?

Who is it? Who is it? Who is it? It's me, B! Well... it's probably not Beyoncé. The technology behind Bitcoin was published in a paper five years ago by a person or a group using the pseudonym Satoshi Nakamoto. The point isn't who created the software. The software is open source. The true success of Bitcoin comes from the millions who believe in it and use it.

Bitcoin transactions are "Peer to Peer" so you can send money directly to friends or businesses

Money goes directly from one person to the next. There are no banks or governments involved. ("GOD, Elton. Can't you suck?")

What's the problem with Banks? Well... Banks are always Snatching some of every transaction

Businesses have to pay on average between 1.7% - 2.5% to banks on all credit/debit transactions. 1.7% - 2.5% might sound small, but for a business, that's a loss of between a dollar for every $59 or a dollar for every $40 of revenue. And you better BELIEVE that some of that cost is coming back to you.

AND... that's why you see these signs ALL. THE. TIME.

Ugh, who carries cash anymore? But you have to realize that businesses get screwed when you pay with credit/debit card. That's why 55% of America's 27 MILLION small businesses accept cash ONLY.

Banks Snatch even more for sending money internationally

Western Union charges up to 10% for transferring money internationally ---- What in the???

And WHY does it take SO LONG to transfer money!?

You'd think that banks could just transfer funds instantaneously. But no, it still takes a FEW DAYS. The current process for transferring funds was a revolution in technology-- in the 1970s. Yeah, banks still use the process that was created when Bea Arthur was Maude, long before she became Dorothy Zbornak. The adorkable hotties at Planet Money have a good story about this process.

Wait, with Bitcoin, you can send money instantaneously without paying any fees!

SHUT UP!

I didn't say anything...

But if there are no banks, how are we sure that money is transferred?

Bitcoin is built around a public ledger. All Bitcoin transactions are recorded and confirmed in this public ledger. Don't worry, you can remain anonymous in the ledger.

Bitcoin transactions are confirmed by Miners

No, no, no. Not coal miners. Mining is the term for computers that validate transactions on the public ledger. This process also creates new Bitcoins. Oh and don't worry, they can Derelick their own balls, ThankYouVeryMuch!

Safely tuck your Jewels into a Bitcoin Wallet

Bitcoin wallets are software that helps you keep the credentials for your Bitcoin secure. The nonprofit Bitcoin Foundation provides an overview of different wallets here. This girl uses Coinbase for his wallet and uses the smartphone app Authy so that before I can log in to my wallet, an authentication code is sent to my verified phone.

The Bitcoin Price has been a Rollercoaster that's mostly going UP!

What a sweet, sweet Fantasy, Baby. The Bitcoin price has hit many peaks and drops. This is because Bitcoin is still new and there are so few Bitcoins in circulation. The attention of speculators and the selling of Bitcoins by a few people can cause the prices to fluctuate dramatically. But notice, the price has more than quadrupled in four years.

The largest known owner of Bitcoins is... The Federal Government

That's right, the American government owns between 144,000 and 174,000 Bitcoins in at least two wallets. Well, sure, most of these were seized as part of an FBI bust on an online drug network. But that still doesn't make the USA 2nd runner up, right Amy Adams?

The second largest known owners of Bitcoins are the Hottie Winklevoss Twins

You may remember them as the crew brothers from that Facebook Movie. Since then, the Winklevii have purchased 1% of all Bitcoins in circulation and have helped move Bitcoin into the mainstream. And what are they doing with this money? For starters, blasting off to SPACE!

WAIT! You can use Bitcoins to buy tickets to Space? with MARIAH!?!

Yes, Billionaire playboy Sir Richard Branson, seen here hanging with Mariah Carey on his personal island, is the creator of all your favorite Virgins who aren't Mary: Virgin Records, Virgin Mobile, Virgin Airlines. He now has a new endeavor, Virgin Galactic. Yeah, that's right, for only $250,000 (or 555 Bitcoins), Dicky will take you out of this world... for 5-7 minutes.

Serious businesspeople are investing BIG into Bitcoin, like gay billionaire Peter "La Beija" Thiel!

PayPal founder and Facebook's first investor, Peter Thiel, has set his sights on Bitcoin and has invested $2 million into BitPay, the world's largest Bitcoin service provider. Werq, Hunty, WERQ!

The US government declared that Bitcoins are... Property? Waaah?

The IRS has declared Bitcoins to be property, like stocks. If/When a person trades coins for cash or a product, the Bitcoin owner must declare the amount of interest on their income tax return. Say you buy a Bitcoin for $400 and then the value of that coin rises to $1000. You trade this Bitcoin for $1000 worth of Strangers with Candy memorabilia. Come tax time, you'd have to report the $600 difference as profit.

The Feds are still watching Bitcoin closely---

Bitcoin's status is likely to change and may be interpreted as more FUNGIBLE, ie treated like a currency in the way that gold and crude oil are. (Fungible, the best econ term after Fi-douche-iary.)

The Bitcoin Senate hearings had all the gay girls and boys swooning for SHASKY!

Jennifer SHASKY Calvery is the Director of the US Treasury's Financial Crimes Enforcement Network (FinCEN). Repping FinCEN like a BAÜS, Shasky testified that they see no need for any new laws or Warren G to REGULATE digital currencies. She stated point blank, “Cash is probably still the best medium for laundering money.”

Bitcoin has a FIERCE ally in GAY Congressman Jared Polis

After Senator Joe-NO-She-Better-Don't Manchin called for a ban on Bitcoins, Congressman Jared Polis served up some hawt satire by calling on the federal government to BAN the main cause of money laundering, US Dollah-Dollah Billz. BOOM. The mic has been dropped.

It's Cookie Time! Thousands of retailers on- and offline now accept Bitcoins

Enterprising Girl Scouts accepted Bitcoins during this year's Cookie Season. PS, Let's give a shout-out to the Girls Scouts for being Super LGBTQ-Inclusive!

Remember that time someone made $6 million by trading Pizza for Bitcoin?

mmmm--- Bitcoin Pizza tastes like Digital Freedom

Put on your Sunday Best KIDS! We're going to SEARS!

Those Brady kids sure are happy and gay. And yes, it IS a Sunshine Day when big-box retailers like Sears accept a digital currency. Bitcoins can be traded for gift cards at eGifter for use at hundreds of stores. Neato!

Oh Jan...

Other big retailers and websites are jumping on the Bitcoin Bandwagon

Amazon, Home Depot, Overstock.com, CVS, OkCupid. Word is still out on Levis, Wrangler and OshKosh B'Gosh.

And hundreds of bakeries and coffee shops, like this girl's fave, accept Bitcoins

Ada's Technical Books in Seattle accepts Bitcoin. And duh, the shop is named after the first computer programmer, The Enchantress of Numbers, Ada, Countess of Lovelace! And yes, I'm stealing that as my Drag Name!

Bitcoin ATMs have started sprouting up in large cities around the world.

Bitcoin ATMs allow you to exchange cash for bitcoins or exchange bitcoins for cash. But these ATMs (or vending machines as many see them) still charge fees of 3-5% on average.

Micropayments: Tipping the Porn stars to whom you've just fapped

So you tip your barista, you tip your cab driver and you tip the kid who made your fro-yo, but you don't tip your porn stars? All that plucking and manscaping sure is expensive! Why don't you? OH, right, cuz there's no easy way to send 50 cents or a dollar over the internet... until now. Imagine seeing a QR code at the end of an adult film you've just enjoyed. You turn the object of your desire into the subject of your finances by sending some coinage.

Hi Brent Everett! Hi Diesel Washington!

Or tip your favorite blogger or journalist

Love NYTimes reporter Liam Stack's coverage of the Middle East? Send him a tip!

Drool over DLISTED's caustic READING of all of celebritydom? Send them a tip!

Swoon over Sabri Ben-Achour's biz'nazz reports on Marketplace? Send him a tip!

Cheer when Towleroad shares the next advance in gay rights? Send them a tip!

Peed your pants to Paula Poundstone on Wait! Wait! Don't Tell Me? Send her a tip!

and Gawker and RadioLab and MORE!

Journalism is HURTING. Let's develop new revenue streams that reward great, hardworking journalists.

Don't be defeatist. Stop hiding from technology. ADAPT!

Spread your Lisa Frank Rainbow Butterfly Wings and join the age of Digital Currency.

In conclusion, Bitcoin and computers are super Gay

Amazingly, excitingly, thrillingly GAY. Bitcoin allows you to safely transfer funds online instantaneously with no fees. Bitcoin has the potential to revolutionize how we pay for things online and offline.

And, if you like this, please feel free to tip your dorky author (◑‿◐)

Or use the address here: 1LstiXaL2AsA1mLDNb6D1rr5NQZkDWwBzV

I'm not a buzzfeed staff member and I'm not getting paid to generate any of this content. I'm just a Bitcoin user who wanted to create a fun and easy way to explain this digital currency to my friends. I hope I succeeded!