The letter itself
Transcript of the text
Thank you for the ten letters you sent concerning the lack of a TV license at this address, each demanding action and making threats.
Presumably, you find it inconceivable that I might be able to live my life without a television set. Please rest assured that I have clean drinking water and adequate sanitation; televisual entertainment is the only impoverished aspect of my life.
As it happens, I find it inconceivable that you could live your life without a copy of my book, My Granny Writes Erotica. However, my records show no purchases from your address. Even though all my books are available to download from the Internet (much like BBC iPlayer and Netflix), I still find it beyond belief that you would be able to live and breathe without paper copies.
You have left me no alternative but to schedule a visit from my enforcement officer. He will visit your address without any further warning and threaten you with a court order if you do not let him in immediately. Upon access, he will conduct a thorough search of your premises.
Should you wish to inform me that you do not have copies of any of my books, I have provided a link to my website, mygrannywriteserotica.co.uk, where you can leave your details. I shall then assume you are lying and ignore your correspondence, much like last year when I told you I had no television set and you visited my personal home anyway.
This is your last chance to pay for a copy of my book. I will accept payment via PayPal, cheque or chocolate.
If you would like a more accessible version of this letter, you will not be able to read this sentence offering you a more accessible version of this letter. Thus, you are screwed.