The 7 Worst Kinds Of D.A.D.S.

Day After Drinking Shits - We all get 'em, better know which kind you have and what they can say about what you did last night. Sure garbled text messages and replies from Snapchat can help, but the proof is in the puddin'.

7. Dirtstar Supernova

Via theblacksheeponline.com

Also known as the “Wine Cork,” the Dirtstar Supernova turns your butthole into an old civil war cannon, backed up with years of black powder, sediment, and dust in the basement of Fort Dumpter. Suddenly the cannonball comes blasting out surrounded by all that loose sediment, the fort walls are covered in black debris, the cannon itself is a blown apart... this metaphor's getting old. Your toilet's covered in shit. You’ve got a real mess on your hands.

6. Liquid Fire

Via theblacksheeponline.com

All morning your butthole has felt pressure building behind it, not unlike holding your thumb over the end of an angry hose. When If you finally reach the bathroom in time, the result is what the male species can only assume what peeing out of a vagina feels like. Only, you know, out your butt.

5. Ground Beefs

Via theblacksheeponline.com

First, stick your tongue out, close your lips and make the snake tongue motion while pretending to blow out candles. Then imagine someone browned a pound of hamburger, dumped it in a gallon jug of water, shook it up, then sporadically forced 20-30oz of the watery chunk mix out of a turkey baster 10-250 times a day. In this scenario, the turkey baster is your tight lil’ buttonhole.

4. Hot Snakes

Via theblacksheeponline.com

Perhaps the most common type of DADS, the hot snakes are long, brown tubes that flitter out your butthole and coil around the toilet bowl with the fury of a thousand suns. Like your high school girlfriend, they’re thin ‘n windy.

3. Black Cement

Via theblacksheeponline.com

Remember being a kid on the beach, making drip castles out of wet sand? This is the same thing, only instead of a beach you’re in a moist Subway bathroom, and instead of sand dripping out of your hand into a neat little castle, this is a warm, continuous stream of dry, grainy shit being pushed out your whimpering butthole.

2. Dark Matter

Via theblacksheeponline.com

Dark Matter is the most dense, and therefore heaviest, substance in the universe. Much like your soul as you crushed a second Jimmy John’s sandwich at 3 a.m. it’s black, thick, and dead inside. It sinks to the bottom of the bowl, prepped to pull the city’s plumbing system, then the universe, into a bottomless black hole of despair.

1. Joe ‘Splosion

The Black Sheep / Via theblacksheeponline.com

The Joe ‘Splosion is when you go into the bathroom to alleviate your DADS, but end up doing double duty. You sit on the porcelain throne waiting to evacuate last night’s demons but nausea quickly demands your attention. The walls start to close in, and you opt to hop off the seat, unwiped, to press your temples against the cold tile floor and pray for death. But death doesn't come, and now bile is spilling out both ends like a porcelain cherub spewing water in a pervert’s fountain.