#RebootMyArse: 10 Reasons Why #RebootIreland Isn't A Reboot At All

Stop trying to make 'Matters of Conscience' happen, Lucinda. It's not going to happen.

1. A New Party? That Seems Awfully Familiar…

Gerry Mooney / Via cdn3.independent.ie

Oh wait! I remember now. This happened last year with the Reform Alliance.

But you know how it is. It’s New Year’s, you need to make a resolution. Exercise more, drink more water, change from eating white bread to wholegrain or spelt, start a new reactionary party to bring Ireland back to the days of dancing at crossroads and conservatism, y’know, the usual.

Obviously #RebootIreland is this year’s attempt.

It was a simpler time, it was a better time.

2. We Can Haz Principles?

Peur Gomies

We needn’t worry though, because the party has four simple principles to change Ireland for the better, including entrepreneurship, entrepreneurship, entrepreneurship and the delightfully meaningless “making the public sector public”.

Fortunately their website translates the last one for us, here's a hint. It's also about… entrepreneurship.

Thank God Lucinda is here now to tell us that Ireland’s problems can be solved by those damn lazy people just being more entrepreneur-y and stuff

Which leads us to…

3. There Are Literally No Policies. So We Can Only Assume That They’ll Be Written By Whoever Will be Joining #RebootIreland

Gerry Mooney / Via cdn3.independent.ie

*Billy Timmins’ phone rings*

“Ahoy hoy?”

“Billy, We’re putting the band back together.”

4. This One Time Eddie Hobbs Told Us To Borrow Money To Invest In The Property Bubble And We Lost A Whole Bunch Of Money

Gareth Chaney Collins / Via independent.ie

Here is Eddie telling Lucinda about this one time we all saw him wearing army pants and flip flops so we bought them all too.

Or maybe he’s telling her about the time he advised people to secure fixed rates on their mortgages, shortly before the ECB cut interest rates to an all time low.

Or maybe he’s going off on another one of his hilarious rants about how how union gang-bosses secretly run Ireland.

Or that time he set up an investment company backed by Arcandor and National Irish Bank, one of which has been liquidated and the other of which is losing tens of millions of euro a year.

Or maybe they’re reminiscing about the time he told people to borrow as much money as possible to invest in as many properties or property funds as possible and screw people as much as possible for rent… right before the crash.

Oh that Eddie, such a card!

5. Fidelma Healy-Eames Thinks They're Great

Peur Gomies

One of Lucinda’s allies in her Reform Alliance project was Senator Fidelma Healy Eames, who claims the third highest expenses of any Senator, on top of her €65,000 per year salary. This is the same person who considered paying car tax, plumbers or train fares beneath her, and when caught fare evading tried to get out of it by saying that she makes the law.

But Hey! nothing says “we’re all about accountability, reform and giving politics back to the people” like acting as if you are above the law while stuffing as much public money into your pockets as possible!

6. Billy Timmins Has Also Expressed Interest In The #Reboot

Irish Independent / Via independent.ie

This guy.

This guy right here.

He’s totally not conservative though.

Totes.

7. Although Here Is A Thing He Has Said

Irish Independent / Via independent.ie

“The most obvious solution to avoid having people sleep rough on the streets is the introduction of legislation to make it illegal to sleep on the streets. Sometimes a complex question can be answered by a simple solution.”

These are actual words former Fine Gael spokesperson on Housing Billy Timmins has said with his actual mouth.

8. And This!

Irish Independent / Via independent.ie

“Abortion is not a treatment for suicide and, in so far as it can be established, it is more likely to cause long-term damage to the woman.”

Once again this is a direct quote, and yeah, you read that right - according to Billy Timmins, having an abortion is more damaging to a woman than literally killing herself.

srsly tho u guys Billy Timmins

9. “Matters Of Conscience”

Peur Gomies

It’s amazing how voting on civil liberties like gay marriage and reproductive rights are “conscience issues” according to Lucinda, so the #Reboot won’t have a party line on them and will allow their representatives, to vote “independently”, i.e. against civil liberties.

Don’t forget that this is why any of this is happening - Lucinda, Billy, Fidelma et al. were kicked out of the notoriously conservative Fine Gael for being too right wing. Given “independence”, there is nothing to suggest that their votes will be anything but anti-choice and anti-gay marriage.

But for some reason, economic issues are not seen as issues of conscience and there will be a whip. So when Lucinda and Eddie get together to create a society based around “entrepreneurship” (i.e. letting businesspeople do as they please), destroying public services and cutting welfare to the most vulnerable in society, it’s nice to know that the adverse affects of those decisions on the lives of real people do not weigh on their consciences at all.

The fact of the matter is that the “#Reboot” is the same socially and economically conservative policies that have done so much harm to this country, gussied up with snakey words. It’s exactly the same as every other right-wing party in Ireland, except even more regressive and conservative.

10.

Irish Independent / Via independent.ie