This Writer Takes Down Batman V. Superman In The Most Brutal Way

This writer has really strong opinions on the latest Super Hero Flick

The World's In Trouble

Ever since I was a young boy, watching Batman The Animated series reruns on Cartoon Network, I have dreamt of seeing my two favorite super heroes dish it out on the big screen. It was to my surprise that, after a disappointing debut Superman film, Zack Snyder was going to be the one to bring this dream to life. Snyder's history of dower action movies had never caught my fancy before, but executive producer Christopher Nolan had me hopeful that this movie might do my childhood justice. But little did I know when I stepped into the Kips Bay AMC Loew's yesterday at 8pm how wrong I really was...

Midway through the trailer for Suicide Squad (which looks just fucking terrible) my friend sent me a text asking what I was doing. I responded with a witty remark about fulfilling childhood dreams and he responded that a set of confidential set of roughly 11.5 million documents leaked to a German Newspaper and analyzed by 400 journalists over the course of a year revealed that some of the most powerful and wealthy individuals in the world had been laundering money and committing tax evasion through a law firm in Panama.

I didn't think my friend really understood the weight of the situation. By this time the movie had started and it opens with batman being levitated out of a well by actual bats which is just fucking stupid. I texted him telling how clear it was that Zack Snyder and David S Goyer clearly didn't give a shit about being faithful to the beloved DC characters.

Of course, being the annoying ass he is, my friend responded "Dude no offense, but I don't really care about the movie, this firm has allowed war criminals and ringleaders of human trafficking to operate without reporting them to the authorities." and I was like "Dude that's crazy, more insane is that Batman is now branding criminals with the bat signal?!?!"

At this point I turned my phone off because people were starting to yell at me in the theater, so whatever. The next two hours were hilariously bad. Why did so many people get into water with their clothes on? Why did it seem like Jesse Eisenberg was just making up his lines? Also, the fact that Batman spares superman only because his mom has the same name will live in infamy as the fucking lamest climax in movie history. It was so dumb, such an abomination that I left the theater almost ecstatic with how angry I was. These characters, for 70 years, had represented so much to so many people and Zack Snyder managed to destroy them in one 2.5 hour ball of depressing music-video imagery.

I turn on my phone and to like a thousand text messages from my friend. He was naming names this time, apparently Vladimir Putin and government officials from all over the world had done a bunch of illegal stuff or something through this Panama thing. I responded saying "LOL rich people are corrupt I'm so surprised, then followed up with a classic "Doomsday should've been saved for the Third Man of Steel IMO. You should totally see this movie. It's horrible."

My friend then called me at this point, I assume to hear me deliver one of my classic rants I give when I pay money to see a movie I don't like. But nah, instead he goes "Listen you fucking asshole, the information that was presented today has the power to change everything. You're allowed to be a rapid fanboy, you really are, but if you waste all the energy you have on being mad at a superhero movie you're participating in a social consciousness that implies we as a general public don't care that the rich and powerful get to live above the law and directly violate human rights on a daily basis. If you really think the extent of a politically conscious adult's responsibility begins and ends at making Donald Trump jokes on social media then why should we expect any Trump supporter to actually give the incredible horrific implications of a Trump presidency a second thought? It's not about being more political or more educated than the people around you for some false sense of superiority, it's about spreading the word on a truly bipartisan issue that 99% of people around the world can agree on: There are a lot of fucking evil people with immense amounts of wealth and power and we now have the proof that can take these fuckers out of office and freeze their funds and bring them to justice finally have some fucking justice in this bleak near post-apocalyptic-science-fiction-esque world, but only if people as an entirety, armed with the knowledge presented with us today send a universal message that what is currently happening is absolutely unacceptable to us. And if you'd rather not participate in the global conversation on this world-changing subject, if you'd really rather pretend the things that are now proven to happen everyday don't actually happen, then maybe you deserve a movie where Wonder Woman just sits down and essentially watches trailers for future DC universe movies randomly in the third act of a garbage pile assembled by a studio desperate to mirror the success of it's rival."

I laughed out loud. My friend had seen the movie after all! He was just pulling my leg.

Anyways, I give the movie 3/10. Some good action but really just horrible writing.