Updated on Dec 13, 2018. Posted on Dec 13, 2018

    The New York Times Asked For People’s Stories Of “Petty Crime” In London And The Replies Are Hilarious

    “Someone spoke to me on the Tube last week. Still haven’t recovered.”

    It was just a normal Thursday morning when the New York Times innocently asked readers to contribute stories of petty crime in London.

    New York times / Twitter

    Do you think the replies were sincere and helpful? Or do you think the great British public massively took the piss?

    Giphy

    Well, guess what.

    @nytimes My trusted valet Jenkins witnessed a scuffle between an errant ne’er-do-well and a learned pig over who would eat the final chestnut at the frost fair, and he was most alarmed that the pig uttered several barbed insults in the Latin tongue, but using the vocative. Most unseemly.

    Yup.

    Twitter

    You will never guess what happened.

    @nytimes My gentleman’s gentleman was accosted by some young hooligans outside my club. “I say, those are some rum plus-fours, old chap,” they said. He was terribly shaken and had to take a half holiday. I had to pour my own pink gin this morning

    Reader, they took the piss and replied with all the most pettily British crimes that actually happen in the city.

    @nytimes Woman 1st off the Bakerloo line tube at Piccadilly this morning walked up the stairs still looking at her phone. Chaos. Police nowhere to be seen.

    @nytimes Someone once refused to thank me after I held open a door for them.

    @nytimes Somebody put a poster up on a tree on my street, advertising a local school fair, and they used drawing pins.

    There was a lot of Tube and train etiquette.

    @nytimes Someone spoke to me on the tube last week. Still haven’t recovered.

    @nytimes About to catch a train home once, I offered a guy at the ticket machine in Euston my travel card, it was 2 PM. He declined and bought his own. #Stunned

    @nytimes Sometimes people do not KEEP LEFT in tube stations, despite signs clearly ordering the contrary

    @nytimes Someone on the Thameslink into London Bridge was watching Mrs Brown's Boys on their phone with the sound on. Loads of people saw it happen, nobody intervened. City's gone, man.

    @nytimes someone stood right in front of the open carriage window on the tube taking all the cool air while it was a really hot day

    And film references.

    @nytimes I was once pickpocketed by an old man and his gang of orphan children

    @nytimes My children were abducted by their nanny and discovered cavorting with a troupe of dancing chimney sweeps.

    @nytimes In 1964 a dancing chimney sweep committed a brutal assault on the English accent. Despite frequent police reconstructions on television every Christmas and Easter, he has still not been found.

    And just general crime-ridden London life.

    @nytimes Went on a date with a man who didn't text me back but still likes all my instagram photos.

    @nytimes I was in my local London eatery and they’d run out of boiled mutton and porridge. I was furious and reported them to the police.

    @nytimes someone clipped me with their trolley in Waitrose the other day and only apologised once

    @nytimes yes, a newsagent tried to charge me 30p for a Freddo.

    @nytimes There's one quite hench squirrel that sometimes comes into my garden that has an undefinably surly attitude about it. Police have asked me to call again if it starts getting more aggro

    Oh dear.

    Have You Experienced a Petty Crime In New York? Tell Us Your Story https://t.co/HEPEMEiUrO via @MetroUK


    Patrick Smith is a senior reporter for BuzzFeed News and is based in London.

    Contact Patrick Smith at patrick.smith@buzzfeed.com.

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