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1. By now, everyone fucking knows that Andrew Jackson is immortal, and now serves as our Secretary of State.
2. He also knows math.
3. And conflict resolution.
4. He's a fucking environmentalist.
5. And he treated the White House like a frat house.
6. Dude hated banks before it was cool.
7. But the bank's such a little bitch, it put him on the 20 anyway.
8. Dude practically INVENTED executive action.
9. And taught Martin Van Buren everything Martin Van Buren fucking knows.
10. Dude took Florida from Spain. Just walked in and fucking took it.
11. Richard III came back in time and tried to kill dude, and dude beat the fuck out of him.
12. Dude went shirtless for a stamp. Steamy.
13. Someone called dude a jackass, and dude made it the symbol of the Democratic Party.
14. Dude pays for everything with gold.
15. And has a musical named after him.
16. But most of all, dude doesn't know what the FUCK John Calhoun is talking about.
So there you go. Next time you're bitching about John Kerry, just remember he's a badass immortal former president who's fucked up more bitches than anyone.
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