10 Ways To Turn Your Trip To The Mall Into A Relaxing Day At The Spa

Treat.Yo.Self.

The mall can be the height of luxury with a healthy mindset and the right approach.

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This guy knows what I'm talking about.

Just follow these 10 easy steps:

1. Trudge slowly, dragging your feet among the rows of kiosks.

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Don't forget to make eye contact with as many salespeople as you can until they offer to test out beauty products on your face and hands or insist on styling your hair with their “new” and “revolutionary” curling iron.

2. Sneakily get a foot massage at the Foot Locker by pretending you don't know your shoe size.

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Repeat at Lady Foot Locker, Payless, Rack Room Shoes, The Walking Company, Foot Locker after they switch shifts, and the five other shoe stores that seem to be always tucked away in the forgotten corners of malls across America.

3. Next, hit up the department stores with the same technique.

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Act like you've never heard of makeup, perfume, or skincare products, but casually mention wanting to get into contouring—you just have no idea where to even start!

4. Test out perfumes.

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This one’s a no-brainer, but if you want to be real smooth, spray and collect as many perfume tester cards as you can. Don’t be shy! Really douse those puppies. With luck, you’ll be able to rub the lingering traces of magical, potent nectar all over your body for up to a week.

5. Pretty Woman an upscale boutique.

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After all the hard work you put into steps 1, 2, 3, and 4 you should be pretty convincing as the type of human with the means to purchase the outfits worn by the mannequins in the front window. Walk into that shop like you’ve never browsed a clearance rack in your life. Remember, you smell like a perfect blend of rare, fragrant flowers and the promise of commission.

6. Take selfies of yourself in said fancy wear.

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Post the pics on your facebook with captions like “What do you guys think?” or “I can’t decide b/t outfit 1, 2, and 3,” or better yet, “FASHION EMERGENCY--I might just buy them all lolz 😘”

It's better if they don't know the truth: that you're a mall rat in disguise.

7. After not buying all of those clothes, your hunger pangs kick in.

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This is your signal to look at the time with an alarmed stare and say, “Oh no, high noon! I’ll be late to the gala.” Shake your head. Follow up: “Put the items on hold, will you?” Make a clean getaway. A foolproof plan.

8. LUNCH RUSH FOOD COURT SAMPLES.

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Nothing says spa day like using toothpicks as utensils and wearing fake mustaches to make the rounds until the chicken teriyaki guy throws you shade.

9. Fat and happy, check the map for a Brookstone or a Sharper Image Store.

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Bonus points if you find one with a $3,000+ full-body massage chair on display near the entrance. This means they’re desperate to get rid of the thing. Sit in the chair without asking. Fiddle with the remote and pepper in a clueless expression. There’s a good chance they’ll set you up with a demo and forget you’re there for 20-30 minutes. Pro tip: closing your eyes makes you less approachable to the average, dejected mall employee.

10. Walk out of those mall doors into the cool evening light feeling like MALL ROYALTY.

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You just treated yourself, and it didn’t cost a thing.