1. On love:
me: where do you want to eat her: olive garden me: i love gardens too but we need to figure out where to eat
2. On livin' your best life:
me facetiming my friends from olive garden.
3. On priorities:
my mom casually reached into her purse and offered me an Olive Garden breadstick like it was a fuckin TicTac or some shit
4. On international relations:
when olive garden doesn't get my order right https://t.co/lL4GAqK7CM
5. On the name itself:
Me: “are your olives locally sourced?” The waitress at Olive Garden: Me: “what garden are you getting your olives from?”
6. On slick guests:
Me, an Olive Garden server grating cheese: let me know when to stop Guest: Oh ur gonna b here all night! 😆 Me:
7. On your future child:
me at 1 day pregnant: the baby wants olive garden
8. On different experiences:
me: "I'm falling into a rut. I should eat somewhere different today. Somewhere new." *goes to a different Olive Garden than the one I usually go to*
9. On puns:
[Olive Garden] PATRON: there are so many types of pasta WAITER: [required to say this] yes...*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
10. On pleasure:
Sex is cool but Olive Garden breadsticks be hitting different
11. On cheating the system:
Prison guard: you may now choose your last meal before execution Me: Olive Garden... unlimited breadsticks Prison guard: shit.
12. On finding a new home:
Olive Garden: We've replaced your family.
13. On entering new worlds:
I ordered the Olive Garden “Bottomless Salad Bowl,” and it led me to Narnia.
14. On texting lingo:
Is your child texting about @olivegarden? Here’s a quick guide to find out: OG: Olive Garden LMAO: love me an olive LOL: lots of lasagna ROFL: ravioli or flavorful linguine BRB: breadsticks rock, bro WTF: where’s the fettuccine STFU: some tiramisu for us
15. On misunderstandings:
rock bottom in my life was probably when the waiter at Olive Garden said “soup or salad” and I said “what’s a super salad?”
16. On finding yourself:
me after eating 46 breadsticks at olive garden https://t.co/QmW3JpTcTg
17. On rebranding:
Went to all of garden earlier and it was amazing 😍
18. On family:
Olive Garden says they “treat you like family” but I been here 30 minutes and nobody has told me to shut the fuck up.
19. And finally, on free wine samples:
woman working at michaels crafts said i looked familiar so i told her i come in a lot and she said “oh right you walk over from olive garden after free wine samples”