1. On friendship:
all women have matching friendship bracelets they're just called hair ties
2. On attention seeking:
i purposefully choose to use the broken, loud grocery cart at the store because i crave the attention
3. On cars:
i’ve convinced myself that all of the scratches on my car are just stretch marks and she’s just a tiger who earned her stripes
4. On bees:
i wonder if bees ever brag about the number of flowers they've been inside of
5. On expired food:
the people who introduced croutons, raisins and wine convinced the entire world that it was ok to eat old, expired food. genius.
6. On superheroes:
um i just found a spider in my bra. i may or may shoot web from my breasts soon. stay tuned. spiderboob homecoming
7. On patience:
all patience is built in airports, traffic and bathroom lines for women
8. On saving money:
i just realized how much money i could save on toilet paper if i had a penis
9. On catfishing:
every person i meet says how much taller they thought id be... im disappointing everyone and catfishing the internet
10. On using the bathroom:
i only get on twitter when i'm on the toilet which is weird because i tweet 3 times a week when i should be tweeting at least 7 times a day
11. On beauty:
i've convinced myself that my blackheads are actually cute little freckles. cant tell if i'm a genius or completely lacking personal hygiene
12. On Macbooks:
when a macbook error pops up, am i the only person that clicks "report to apple" every time? i feel like they should know they made me cry
13. On showing up late:
im late to everything... work, texts, tweets, parties, trends, time, dms, tags, my menstrual cycle, im pregnant, with twins, two girls, help
14. On doin' squats:
i did like 3 1/2 squats... which was just enough confidence to put on yoga pants and spank myself in the mirror while crumping viciously
15. On Stranger Things:
i twerk viciously to the stranger things intro song
16. On toilet paper:
you know you've reached a point of pure laziness when you're using paper towels as toilet paper... for 2 weeks straight my butt hurts
17. On cyberstalking:
sunday is the perfect lazy day to lay around and stalk people 143 weeks deep into their lives
18. On pregnancy:
happy mother's day to all the ladies who think they are mothers once a month.. today is not for you honey, CONGRATS!
19. On dogs:
i just wanna be a dog. im friendly, loyal, i like walks, i eat off the floor, im almost potty trained... im a dog.
20. On food babies:
i can't wait to rub my giant belly and know there's a baby growing inside and not just a massive ball of chipotle
21. On toilet seat covers:
anybody else walk into a place, find it to be trustworthy and think... "you know what, I'm not gonna use a toilet seat cover here"
22. On awkward moments:
my Uber got out of the car to stretch and i thought he was giving me a hug goodbye… i gave him a hug 5 stars just wasn't enough
