76 Ways To Tell If You’re From The Suburbs Of Detroit

Growing up, the two most beautiful words in the English dictionary were “snow” & “day.”

1. Put your hand down. This isn’t a high five – this is Detroit.

2. OK, OK, not literally Detroit but you do know kids who went to Cranbrook.

3. You’re the one at the bar always screaming …

4. Even though you were born and raised here:

5. You literally climbed mountains to conquer your biggest fears.

6. And learned that a chain was only as strong as its weakest link.

7. You couldn’t always get what you wanted … unless you were a Red Wings fan.

8. But now it’s time to make a “Michigan Left” back to your childhood.

9. Growing up in Metro Detroit, there was no need for a piggy bank; your allowance went straight here:

10. And the popcorn there looked like this:

11. If you ate too much of it, your mom made you drink one of these:

12. And afterwards, your dad drove you to buy your Ace of Base CD here:

13. If that CD was out of stock, you always knew Lisa Lisa had your back.

14. And so did Tim “The Toolman” Taylor.

15. Mufasa’s death traumatized you at the Americana West.

16. Which for some reason is the same spot you failed your first bench press 6 years later.

17. You learned discipline, loyalty and teamwork at your best friend’s 2nd grade birthday party.

18. And refined your artistic talent at Plaster Playhouse.


20. Blacking out meant skating through a dark tunnel 100 times.

21. You spent endless hours at the “mall.”

22. Where everybody knows your name.

23. A guy named Ponce or Fiaz frosted your tips at Mario Max.

24. Sorry for the late fees (R.I.P).

25. Even if you weren’t popular as a kid, one place made it hip to be square.

26. And dessert was always FREE.

27. You and your grandpa got matching bee stings here:

28. You never met her, but damn it did you respect her.

29. Which meant ordering at least one basket of these:

30. ALWAYS topped off with a happy ending.

31. The two most beautiful words in the English dictionary are “snow” & “day.”

32. You’ve said “I think my dad is a member” to get a day pass here:

33. And you heard a rumor that someone might have rebounded for Grant Hill here:

34. You danced with your best friends …

35. And talked behind their backs next door.

36. You found love in a hopeless place …

37. And then tried to snowball your way into her heart …

38. And then just gave up.

39. You’re not crazy – the Turner Cup was a BIG deal.

40. Their big names brought you in and their low prices brought you back.

41. It’s not just a bowling alley — it’s also a “PIZZA PARLOR.”

42. But sometimes your crust just needs a little more flavor.

43. Those precious hours lost …

44. Could have been spent wandering aimlessly here …

45. Or defying gravity at the St. Mary’s Fair.

46. You’ve driven past the Maple Arts Theatre a thousand times. Never walked in.

47. Senior Year meant super soakers, a $200 bill at Toys R’ Us and getting pulled over for speeding.

48. Nothing screams “UNDER 21” like a vertical driver’s license.

49. But that didn’t stop you from getting wasted at your high school graduation party.

50. Which inevitably led you here …

51. Or to here:

52. But not everything was all cider & donuts; things in Metro Detroit weren’t exactly perfect.

53. You had fears. Fear #1: M.I.P.

54. Fear #2: Bringing an out-of-state friend to Leo’s only to hear them say, “OVER-RATED!”

55. Fear #3: The Fro.

56. Your best bagel place wasn’t even from Michigan.

57. You put all your hopes and dreams into Thanksgiving only to be rejected by your old high school flame.

59. But, hey, at least you can pretend that you’re friends with Jimmy Wolk.

60. Instead of “Go Lions!” you had “Fire Millen!”

61. Downtown had its fair share of problems.

62. Nancy Kerrigan probably won’t be coming back any time soon.

63. Moesha and Sister Sister couldn’t even save this network:

64. But one place stood the test of time.

65. And taught you to be proud of who you are.

66. To keep your spirits high.

67. To eat your cake one layer at a time.

68. To have a mall attached to a mall.

69. To interrupt George Blaha while he’s eating lunch.

70. Because whether you’re a parent …

71. A grandparent …

72. Or still trying to figure things out …

73. Metro Detroit runs in your blood.

74. Because what broke our hearts then …

75. Taught us to reach for the stars.

76. In order to claim our place in history.

Jared Boschan,
Dave Feldman,
Dustin Sherman &
Jordan Sherman

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