That Awkward Moment When I Thought I Was Too Educated To Do Ministry
http://www.thelostarefound.org/blog/2014/12/24/that-awkward-moment-when-i-thought-i-was-too-educated-to-do-ministry
You might be reading that title thinking…Wow, how prideful are you? You may be questioning how I could ever put the education God gave me above his calling for my life. But let's just be 100% transparent, there is something about ministry that made me feel it was 1) for old people who had already experienced a different career or 2) for people who knew they were going to preach full time at the age of 12. I saw no place for me, especially with the weight of expectation that comes with getting a degree from Harvard.
Let me give you some backstory. When I was little, I dreamt of being a doctor. I never really had an explicit reason; it was more of this was a career and future I knew was successful from a young age. Fast-forward to high school where attending a private school only solidified that dream. Wanna know the truth about kids who have ambition for "highly successful" careers? We NEVER question their heart. We only question the kids who answer, I don't know to the question What do you want to be when you grow up? We don't see the unanswered question as an opportunity for God to deposit his calling on an open heart. So, as the kid who had an answer, and an "impressive" answer at that—or so I'd been told—no one ever questioned my intentions. That is, until college.
Freshman fall of college was one of the most exciting, stressful, and transformational years of my life so far. After one semester of taking a science class, I quickly wrote off my desire to pursue medicine. I hated science! And…it was so hard! I quit right then and there. In my heart I wanted to study African-American history, and I did so through pursuing a minor degree. I majored in Government. Two years later I was studying abroad in the best 6 months of my entire life. I felt free. Without the social and academic pressure of an environment that had formed its opinions of who I was, I was free to make decisions that were "outside of my character." I was free to live for me. And I did. But there were people around me who were younger than me but further ahead in their careers. In London, you are already in Med School at 18. And so there I was, at 20, and eventually 21, jealous of the success of others and the clear direction of their future. So with a lot of self criticism masked as introspection, I determined that I had prematurely quit my future in medicine. Obviously, I just didn't trust God before; I was scared of it being hard. With a new found determination, I made the decision while abroad to get over my fear, pray, and trust God that he would honor me.
Coming back to senior year questions about what was next, I slowly told my friends about my decision. Many people said "I could never imagine you in medicine." Offended, I wrote off their doubt in me, and continued to pray for God to vindicate me. Yes vindicate. Don't even front, you know those intense David like prayers you pray when people be doubting you!! And He did just that. I was accepted to the three programs I applied to, and I just knew this was my future. Take note that I said future and not calling. I was making everyone proud. "From Harvard to Hopkins," they said. I could feel the happiness I was bringing my parents. I felt like God was ordering my steps for a specific purpose. And he was. But not the purpose I thought.
You know those moments when God be reversing things and turning it upside down? It is of course for your good, but in the moment, fear has you on high alert. The decisions that you know are of God suddenly seem like temptations from the devil. Well I was about to enter a season where I had to trust God. I started my program and within a few weeks, I knew...I HATED it. Of course it was hard, but my heart just felt empty. I had no interest in science. To top it off, I felt unsatisfied by my tutorial at the hospital. I suddenly felt burdened with the worry that the rest of my life would be a season of unhappiness, that I'd never be fully happy or whole because I hated my career. But an even bigger burden weighed on my heart at the thought of leaving my program. It wasn't even an option. I had already changed my mind once—I couldn't do it again.
It was right around then that I found the most AMAZING church. By found I mean God sent me there. I was scrolling through Facebook for churches in Baltimore and caught the eyes of a bright green banner. The name was just one word different from my parent's church, and I thought coincidence?—probably not. Not to mention, I was so ready to find a church home. I came during a series called "What on earth am I here for?" How fitting. As soon as the Pastor started speaking about how to identify the problems God put us on this earth to solve, I started to feel a very real tug in my spirit. I almost told that tug "get behind me, Satan!" because I was scared. I said to myself, God I know you did not bring me all the way to Baltimore, a city I would have never otherwise come to, for no reason. But in my heart I knew that tug was from God, and I knew what He was getting at. Still there was this nasty, ugly feeling in the pit of my stomach: fear. My mind started buzzing with a million doubts: "what will my parents say? What do I do next? How will my mentees look up to a quitter?" Not to mention the fear of not being the girl everyone thought I was, the fear of looking like I had failed to the people in my program, the fear of not being the example for others anymore, the fear of not being praised for my accomplishments. That last one is a doosie. Do you know that I carried pride about how people viewed me because of my education and I didn't even realize it? I have always thought the "image" of being a Harvard made me uncomfortable, and more often than not it did; but losing that image in the eyes of people who once respected me was worse to me. I said to myself, "I'd rather suffer in a career with status than be the student who never did anything with her Harvard degree."
Well prayer and conviction pushed me out of my fears. I bought TD Jakes' book Instinct and Joyce Meyer's book The Approval Fix about people pleasing. I was determined to stop living my life for other people. I decided that doing the will of God was better than living my life unhappy. Let me tell you—it was not easy. I spent a lot of days, alright weeks, feeling sorry for myself. And I was embarrassed. I didn't tell my close friends about the situation until long after it had happened. Telling my parents was not a walk in the park either. The repetition of the scripture "a voice of a stranger you will not hear" was almost laughable. But I prayed for God to show them what he showed me, and they supported me anyway. So with that support from my family, a few close friends, and the leaders at my church, I found the strength to stop and listen to what God was instructing me to do.
Eventually I started working part time, building this site, and designing an app I'd been working on. STILL, my pride in my intelligence didn't end when I left my program. Nor did it end when I made this site. In my mind I thought God was just using this to fill my time as he opened my eyes to my future career. With the frustrations on my heart about racial inequalities in this nation, I naturally thought I was gonna be a "blacktivist." I said—I'll be the next Cornell West. But one day in my quiet time with God he led me to Colossians 3:11. The Living Bible translation says "In this new life one's nationality or race or education or social position is unimportant; such things mean nothing. Whether a person has Christ is what matters, and he is equally available to all." At first glance I said, Excuse me? Of course race and education matter, especially in this country. But I read it again I literally said WOW. God was telling me that the frustrations on my heart weren't exactly for what I thought. He made me realize that those frustrations were placed on my heart to open my eyes to the brokenness of this nation. He placed those frustrations on my heart so that I may spread the word and love of God in the midst of these tensions. These frustrations are so that I would diligently seek to understand freedom in Christ and so that my own prejudice would submit to God's love for all people. That last one was hard to admit. I am still working on understanding the love of God to the point where the prejudice I've harbored is met with love and my fight for justice is from a place of peace. God was revealing to me that I had to change my motivations for change from hate to love.
What a revelation! Hold on though. Don't assume that I was immediately willing. In fact, I quickly said "….mmm, Lord, I don't know what you're trying to say, but I don't think it's for me." In truth, I thought, I have this degree. I'm not gonna use this degree to go into ministry. You don't need this degree to serve God. I could have gone anywhere else, done anything else, studied anything else. And God quickly reminded me to remove my pride. He reminded me of Jeremiah 29:11 which says, "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." And I realized my steps have been ordered. Every moment of my life has already been planned and determined by God. He did not place me anywhere without a reason. While he is continuing to reveal the ways in which he is going to use me, I have surrendered my heart to going where He calls me. And what's funny is for the first time EVER, my soul—about my future, about my career, about my success—is at PEACE.
I urge you, never let the pride of the position God has placed you in make you feel above his calling over your life. He may have put you somewhere to prepare you for where He is going to take you next. Have a heart that is willing to follow the call of God on your life. Because His plans for you are greater than anything you can think or imagine.
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