11 Ways To WIN At Being A Thought Criminal

Welcome, unorthodox comrade, to the community. If you are reading this list, you may be unsure of your abilities as a Thought Criminal. Never fear; these tips and tricks will have you on the "Most Wanted" list at the Ministry of Love in no time! Not only will you understand these easy tips; you will love them.

1. Accept That Acting is Part of the Job

Learn how to fake goodthinkfulness. The Party will get inside of you if you don’t get inside of them first. In other words, accept the orthodoxy of the Party. Re-enact the orthodoxy of the Party; you may be satirical at heart, but feigning love for Big Brother is the only effective way to hide your true intentions. Make sure that the Party trusts you - that way, you can start a rebellion from within.

For advice on how to fake goodthinkfulness, take a look at this list that was published by the Thought Police. It details how to prevent crimethinkful thoughts: http://www.buzzfeed.com/obrienbrain/5-foolproof-ways-to-stop-yourself-from-acts-of-cri-1d37v

2. "Quack Quack"

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Learn how to speak Duckspeak. With your smart, conniving brain, you may find yourself tempted to say something ungood about BB. Don’t do it - you would be vaporized and your very existence would never even have had existed. Not everybody hates BB like you do. Learning Duckspeak will give you something to talk about while chowing down your Victory Patties with your beetle-bodied comrades.

3. Constant Vigilance!

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The Party may skimp on civilian supplies such as chocolate (or, given its unpalatable texture and taste, chalk-olate), but they don’t skimp on telescreens and surveillance equipment. They are everywhere. Everywhere. Not seeing a telescreen does not guarantee that one does not exist. Behind a chair, under a bed, in a tree, installed into the abdomen of a baby bird, in a church, in a “safe” meeting place for you and your lover, behind a painting, under a lampshade – the telescreens will be there. Big Brother is watching you. Big Brother is always watching you.

4. Hold onto the Past

If you find proof of the past, do not dispose of it. Later on, your mind may trick you; you may forget things, and other people may tell you that you are wrong. Remember - other people do not live in your reality. You need physical proof of the past. If you are fortunate enough to come across a picture or a newspaper article of a past event that has since been vaporized, keep it somewhere safe, lest you regret it. You never know when you may need it as proof of your sanity.

5. Be Sensitive to "Stranger Danger"

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If you feel like you’ve seen somebody before, if you feel like you have inexplicably taken note of a habit or two of his, or if you feel like his voice sounds familiar, there is only one reasonable explanation: he has been following you and has been whispering sweet propaganda in your ears while in your sleep. Be afraid. Very afraid.

Observe: The incorrect response to the creeper as shown in #5

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"We must have a connection. I feel an overwhelming urge to divulge all my secrets to this stranger."

Observe: The correct response to the creeper as shown in #5

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"I'm getting away from this comrade."

6. Pay Attention To Your Dreams and Visions

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Dreams are a mirror into your unconscious feelings; having a dream is like breaching into a separate level of your psyche. There is great symbolism in your dreams as well as what happens right before/during/after your dream– for example, if you have a vision/dream about eating a sandwich, you’re probably hungry; if the sight of a rat suddenly causes you to recall a terrible recurring nightmare about rats, it may be your unconscious mind telling you that you are afraid of getting ratted out in the near future; if you dream of Big Brother, it’s probably because he’s watching you.

7. Never Turn Your Back on the Proles

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As you know, there are Patrols in the Proletariat Quarters – they are there to spy, to observe the Proles, and to question suspicious Party Members. But, has it ever occurred to you that there could be Patrols who are undercover, disguised as Proles? Yes, comrade, it is true: the Party does send Thought Police on undercover missions!

As a rule of thumb, remember that years of constant radiation from the bombs have resulted in severe mental retardation of the Proles. Thus, if you find a Prole who is even slightly extraordinary – a weird accent, a polished knowledge of the past, a certain kindness, generosity, or eagerness that cannot be explained – be suspicious. It may be a an undercover Patrol, simply waiting to go in for the arrest.

8. Emotions? What emotions?!?!

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Protecting yourself from facecrime is a required skill for all Thought Criminals. Most people are not privileged to have Goldstein's cold, lean, Jewish features, which were very effective at hiding emotion when required. Thus, practice hard. Whatever emotion you are feeling – whether it be regret in your heart or lust in your loins– conceal it with a look of quiet optimism. Do not show love (other than for BB)- the Party will detect it and destroy your loved ones. Do not show emotions of fear - the Party will use your fears to break you.

For a great example, look at Pornosec actress, Kristen Stewart. Though we are not privy to her opinion on the Party (if she is for or against BB), one must admit that she has talent in the sense that all of her emotions look the same; it reaches a point where one wonders if she even possesses emotions.

9. However, never forget your emotions.

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Your feelings are of utmost importance. Good or bad, they are the one thing that the Party cannot control - torture can make one say something, but not think or feel something. Behind Big Brother's burly mustache is a mouthful of mendacity. Never suppress your feelings of curiosity.

10. Accept That You May Never Destroy the Party... Alone.

You yourself cannot be the singular catalyst of all change. No matter what level of fortitude you may think you have, once caught, you will betray your “loved” ones. You will confess. You may commit suicide, if you have the moments of solitude needed and a strong enough stomach to commit the self-killing.

Why? Because you are but a part of this larger puzzle of rebellion. That's why every Thought Criminal gets a complimentary razor blade, free-of-charge.

11. But, Never Lose Resolve

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We've now told you to accept that you will die. You know that thoughtcrime is death.

However, do not constantly tell yourself that you are a “dead man.” That is not true. You are alive – you are more alive than any Party Member, than any Prole, than Big Brother himself. You are alive because you are conscious of your existence. You are alive because you are committing thoughtcrime by simply thinking of thoughtcrime. You feel your existence – and that is all that matters.

Now, Start Your Thought-Crime Streak

Now, Brave Comrade, you are equipped with the top tips on how to be an effective Thought Criminal. You know that a Thought Criminal's certain fate is death by torture; in fact, you may be ruminating over this, and you are possibly considering just spending your lifetime worshiping Big Brother instead of revolting against Him.

Well, it's too late now. You have already read this list - that action in itself is thoughtcrime.

But never fear. There is no failure in thoughtcrime. No action is meaningless when it is executed with passion. So, find your nearest telescreen, stare right into it with a look of quiet optimism, and let these words fill your mind: "Down with Big Brother."