How I Discovered Hobby Lobby

About a week after hearing vague things shouted about the Hobby Lobby decision (Abortion! Birth control! Religion!), I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to figure it out. From the buzzwords (Women’s rights! Obamacare! Republicans!) I knew that Hobby Lobby was a very bad thing, but I didn’t know exactly HOW bad. So I gave in. I googled.

Turns out Hobby Lobby is one of the scariest things in the world: an arts and crafts store. No, it couldn't be that bad—could it? I'm an educated person, so I knew I had to make the decision for myself. So with the help of my roommate's '98 Nissan Altima, I set out to the Hobby Lobby in Totowa, New Jersey.

Boy, I gotta tell you, I could not see what the fuss was all about. This place was awesome! Acrylic paints I would typically have to order from Japan! Walmart-low prices!

So why was everyone so mad at Hobby Lobby? I asked a Chet, a guy working behind the counter, what the big deal was. Chet said that Hobby Lobby didn't want to provide insurance for birth control because it violated the religious principals of the owners. As a handsome, blonde-haired Christian, Chet was happy about the decision. And as I stared into Chet's beautiful baby blues, I thought, you know what, Chet's right.

Hobby Lobby shouldn't have to provide birth control to their 13,000 workers when they can MAKE it all right there! Hello! Arts and crafts! I set my creativity on stun and began making my way through the store.

With an empty water bottle and tubing, I made a cold water douche to kill sperm with. For fuckin' $6.99. I'm not kidding. Ortho Tri-Cyclen costs $162 a month! The savings were unreal.

Maybe you're hoping for something more preventative? You could buy some super glue, scissors, and a latex punch balloon, and you've got yourself a diaphragm! Just insert it before sex and take it out after. The balloon are 4 for $2.49, so if you use one every time you have sex, they should last a year! That's huge money savings.

Right. I get it though. What if you work for Hobby Lobby, and the worst happens. Maybe your Popsicle stick condom broke. Maybe there was a hole in the tubing of your cold-water douche. It doesn't matter. What matters now is that you got a baby growing inside you, and your income from unemployment isn't gonna pay for that baby and your $1200/month Williamsburg loft. You gotta make a choice. Hobby Lobby might not support your choice. But Godamnit (oops! gosh darnit), when that time comes, Hobby Lobby will give you the tools you need to make that hard choice.

They sell shirts that say "Mommy and ME!!!!!" And baby blankets! Pacifiers! Also, wire hangers.

As I left Hobby Lobby with my bags overflowing with supplies, I knew I would have protection for years to come. And to think, if the Supreme Court hadn't ruled in favor of Hobby Lobby, I'd still be one of those suckers paying for prescription birth control. So thanks, Hobby Lobby! My new buzzword is "RuLeZ"!

*Two weeks after penning this opinion, Sarah Burton died of a uterine infection after a ball-busting orgy.