5 Reasons Why I Want To Die

Five relatable reasons to want to die if you aren't Robert Pattinson. I am not Robert Pattinson and it is causing severe damage to my mental health.

1. I am not Robert Pattinson

Alo Ceballos/GC Images / Via billboard.com

Robert Pattinson is dating the coolest most buzzed about artist of the year, FKA Twigs. And I am not. She makes critically acclaimed experimental electronic/pop with an alluringly dark and sexualised aesthetic that is heavily influenced by hyperrealism and the precession of simulacra. I however am a kissless virgin.

2. I am not Robert Pattinson

Via pitchfork.com

Robert Pattinson got to play guitar with Mr T look-a-like, MC Grips Man from one of the hottest meme-bands of the decade, the Death Grips. Recently, the credits on the vinyl release of The Death Grips' Government Plates revealed that Robert Pattinson played guitar on the track Brids. I however am a talentless loser and cannot play the guitar and will never be considered cool enough by the Death Grips to hang out with them regardless of how much I blindly eat up everything they do and regardless of how much of an avant teen I am.

3. I am not Robert Pattinson

If I was Robert Pattinson, qt SJW girls on Tumblr that have cool coloured hair and an edgy internet aesthetic and online persona will still like me even though I am a CIS-gendered white male.

4. I am not Robert Pattinson

Justin Guben / Via imdb.com

Robert Pattinson, despite starring in one of the biggest blockbuster film franchises of all time, the Twilight series; as well as having millions of dollars in the bank, still chose to star in a film directed by the edgy, avant-garde, critically acclaimed, buzz-director David Cronenberg. I however am a talentless molestor of the arts and will never be associated with the creation of a brilliant piece of art, whether it be music, or a film.

5. I am Not Robert Pattinson

Facebook: Not-Robert-Pattinson-Support-Group / Via Facebook: Not-Robert-Pattinson-Support-Group

My life will not be valuable until I am Robert Pattinson.

You Can Find Support For Not Being Robert Pattinson

If you aren't Robert Pattinson and it's having a serious effect on your mental health, you can find help online from people just like yourself at the Not Robert Pattinson Support Group.

If you feel suicidal and need help with your mental health, you can contact Lifeline by calling 13 11 14. They are on the line 24/7 to help you out.