Arguing in a relationship is common - even healthy. It's a sign that you know one another well and are comfortable with one another.
But how you and your significant other argue can determine whether or not you two will make it.
John Gottman conducted a psychology study in which he watched married couples argue for 5 minutes. Based on those 5 minutes, he was able to predict with 91% accuracy whether a marriage would succeed.
Couples that had divorce in their future had a few common characteristics:
1. A harsh start-up.
2. Criticizing the person rather than the behavior.
3. Contempt or disgust for the other person.
4. Being defensive.
5. Shutting down.
Healthy conflicts are a great way to have a productive relationship. But here are some ways to keep conflicts healthy.
1. Challenge the behavior, not the person.
Tell the person what they are DOING that bothers you. Do not tell the person that an aspect of their PERSONALITY bothers you. Example: "it upsets me to come home to a dirty home after we agreed that you would throw away the garbage."
2. Talk about how the negative behavior makes you feel, rather than trying to argue about why it is generally wrong.
Example: "It makes me unhappy when you don't return my calls in a timely manner." This makes it an issue of your happiness, rather than an issue of generally being a good person.
3. Avoid insult, hostility, and especially contempt.
Your partner has feelings, too.
4. Keep disputes private.
It is easy to go rushing off to your friends and vent to them about your fights. But this kind of behavior only damages relationships and hurts your partner. Keep arguments to yourselves unless you are talking productively with a friend who has a history of (1) being fair and open-minded, (2) giving good advice when you need it, and (3) keeping your secrets.
5. Take breaks.
According to Gottman, once one or both members of a couple are "flooded" with adrenaline and other stress hormones, the dispute becomes impossible to resolve. When things get heated, agreeing to take a break, cool off, and wait for the "flooding" effects to die down before resuming the conversation is the best thing to do.
6. Exercise "damage control" after a fight.
The happiest couples are said to experience a ratio of 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction. Being kind to one another after an argument can help dispel any negative aftermath.
So don't feel bad if you are fighting a lot. Fighting is normal. And learning how to fight constructively may just lead a to a happily ever after in your future.
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