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The Worst Dates Bar Staff Ever Witnessed

Worried about dating this Valentines? Well take solace in the fact that it can't go as bad as some of the following dates in this what-not-to-do guide as told by the hospitality staff who have seen it all.

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1. The Creep

"We often have this serial dater in his 40s who comes in. One night he was on a date with this curly-haired woman who I could see cringing behind her smiling façade at his smarmy ways. When she was at the bathroom he told one of our pretty, young waitresses that his date was going to the toilet to take her pants off and give them to him. He then slipped my waitress his number – she was like, ‘it’s my job to be nice to you I am so far from interested in your shit chat you old perv. Shortly after, we got a call from a woman saying there was an “emergency” and she needed to get a hold of her curly haired friend called Laura “immediately”. Didn’t take long to put that one together."

2. The 'Pool Shark'

"When I was working in the student union, I witnessed a guy and girl on a date. The girl looked like she was meant to be going somewhere much nicer than a pool hall with cheap booze. The guy ordered them two of our cheapest pints and got them one pizza to share. I watched him demolish most of the pizza himself in what was probably record time before he then abruptly got up and went and joined his buddy for a game of pool. Her face was a picture. She sat sipping her pint looking bemused as to how this date had gone so far. She called someone up and all I could hear was some pretty colourful language which lead to her storming out fuming."

3. The Winker

"There was this young attractive couple, very civilised, discussing plans for their wedding as if it was a business transaction. The guy was laid back, posh and charming and his fiancée a gorgeous woman. Every time she would bring up certain parts of the wedding he’d bat it off with comments about the curry or as he drank more it became more, ‘Aw you can’t have Becky wear that, her tits will look better than yours and you don’t wanna be upstaged.’ So the woman was getting increasingly irate and turned the topic towards the ineptitude of the groom’s mother which then ended with her leaving without so much as a goodbye.

He then turned to me with a detached grin, ordered another merlot and said, ‘I had to get that out the way before my date arrived’. I laughed assuming he was just trying to diffuse the situation yet he asked me to clear his starter and delay the mains as he wants to ‘get her back to the suite as soon as possible’. He then resumed business as if nothing had happened; wining and dining this new girl he’d been bold enough to invite on a date beginning an hour after his previous with the fiancée. As they left, he winked at me and said, ‘thanks for your discretion sweetheart, hope you enjoyed the show' "

4. The Loose Cannon

"This lovely looking pair once came in dressed to the nines – fancy suit, nice dress, the lot. The girl was a bit highly strung – based on her oh so particular drink order. They were all smiles when I took their order but then as I returned with their drinks the date took a bit of a turn. All of a sudden, I saw her stand up, raging, and pick up her glass and ruthlessly douse him in prosecco. She snatched her handbag from the floor and stormed out incensed with rage. The poor guy sat in his puddle of prosecco looking pretty gutted and totally embarrassed. I headed back to the bar to give him a minute before he came up to me asking for a towel and the bill. The reason for his soaking? A text popped up on his phone and she assumed he was seeing other women and wouldn’t believe when he tried to explain it was just a friend."

5. The Booger-Man

"There was this pair in on what was clearly a first date. I know this because the guy told me when he was at the bar that he had just lost his soulmate and was hoping this would fill that void. Safe to say, he tackled the pressure he put on this date with substantial amounts of alcohol for himself in the form of shots of sambucca on every trip. He began to slur his words just a bit so I had to keep an eye on him as per my job. He was laughing a lot at whatever anecdotes she was dishing out but she looked a tad surprised by the level of laughter he was giving her wave after wave. He laughed so much that a snot bubble of such magnitude, I would describe it as bulbous. It was like a supernova emanating from this guy’s face. The guy looked mortified and at a total loss as to how to recover the situation when the bubble popped leaving a big ropey nose glob dangling off his face. The more he tried to wipe it off the more it just spread over his face like nose butter. He eventually saw the funny side and started howling while his date laughed along with him but I suppose you can’t not laugh in a situation like that."

6. The Aussie and The Waiter

"I run a restaurant in Bangkok that is chock-full of tourists. A few years back, I met a couple at the door and sat them at a table near me. The girl sat down, but the guy just glanced at the menu and said in a thick Aussie accent, “Right, I know what I’m getting’. Now I’m goin’ to the dunny for an hour ‘cause you can never decide what you want.” Seemed harsh so I helped her with the iPad-menu we give to tourists who don’t speak Thai or English. She was French-Canadian and spoke English well but with a lovely accent. He returned from the toilet and soon enough we were all chatting while they ate. The guy was adamant I showed them what fun the city had to offer.

So I took them out and the guy turned into an utter liability. He was another level of wasted and looking for trouble. I spent the whole night babysitting him so he didn't get beaten up. He even put his hands on a Thai bouncer – who (also) happened to be an undercover cop. That’s the sort of behaviour that can end your holiday prematurely. I even warned him that he was going to lose his girl to which he replied, “Naah mate, I’m gonna fuckin’ marry ‘er!” I finally put them in a taxi and sent them on their way.

A couple of days later, I noticed on Facebook that he was back in Australia yet she was still in Bangkok. I decided to message her to see if everything was OK or if they had broken up. She replied, “We weren’t even ‘together’. That was a Tinder date! I’m still travelling around Thailand.” I was shocked. I had thought they’d been together for years by the way he treated her.

Being a gentleman I offered to show her more of Bangkok which she accepted.

As things turned out she’s the love of my life and we spent the next year together. He did get one thing right though… she really CAN never decide what she wants to eat."

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