1. Underdress for the interview.
You don't want to seem overqualified for the job, lest the interviewer feel that his own job is threatened.
2. Show up 15 minutes late.
Tell the interviewer that you had another interview that ran late because of another interview before it. He will appreciate your industriousness.
3. Speak in the third person as often as possible.
You want the interviewer to remember it for future reference.
4. Constantly nod horizontally when he's speaking.
Your body language should convey, "I don't understand why I don't have this job yet." The interviewer will pick up on it, and note accordingly.
5. Take your own notes of his interviewing skills.
At the end of the interview, provide a phone number to reach you. When he calls, make sure that he's greeted by a pre-recorded audio of you reading these notes. Don't forget to thank him for the effort!
6. Have a plan for your résumé weaknesses.
When asked to explain the gap of employment history, calmly describe what you imagine your life would have been like between Sept. '06 - May '07, had you not been smoking weed and watching Lost.
7. Reference leadership skills often.
Even if you learned nothing from your last job, keep repeating how much it helped you grow and become a better leader. The company will need more leaders if their employees are anything like you.
8. Show some respect.
Excuse yourself 10 minutes into the interview to go to the bathroom. Come back and say that you didn't want to fart in front of him, out of respect.
9. Write a thank you note.
This is such a small gesture but it shows that you really want the job. Sign it with your own blood to symbolize your commitment.
10. Wait for the phone call! (skip to 11 if you aren't a white man)
Hey, you did it! Now you'll probably get the job and be in charge soon enough. You're great!
11. Try to relax.
And smile while you're at it. You can be so uptight sometimes. The next time you're at an interview, try not to have such an aggressive tone.
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