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61 Things Only Your Best Friend Will Do For You

There are friends, and then there are best friends. How many of these can you relate to?

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1. Chill at home on a Friday night

2. Talk about life with you

3. Lie and tell you that, no, that Ed Hardy shirt does not make you look like a tool, and that in fact you are totally managing to pull it off in a way that says, "I'm ironic, but I'm also genuine," thereby basically giving you the power to decide what's cool when it comes to fashion

4. Figure out what to do when you get bored

5. Pitch in for some alcohol to speed up a slow night

6. Drive you to the liquor store when your license is suspended

7. Respect your privacy by not asking you why your license is suspended

8. Tell you he'll pay for everything when you forget your wallet

9. Apologize profusely when he realizes he forgot his wallet, too

10. Attempt to calm you down when you have a fit over not having something to drink

11. Cave in to your demands

12. Distract the cashier while you grab a bottle of Jack Daniels

13. Come to your defense when the cashier activates the automatic door-locking security system and starts wielding a bat at you

14. Subdue said cashier with zip-ties

15. Drive the getaway car after you've just hit up a freaking liquor store

16. Attempt to calm you down again when you realize you've just hit up a freaking liquor store

17. Drive faster when you notice the cops are somehow already on your tail

18. Share in your anger when you realize the cashier must have triggered a silent alarm back at the liquor store

19. Take a detour to evade the ever-increasing fleet of police cruisers gaining on you

20. Protect your side of the car when the cops start ramming your vehicle with their own

21. Take out a bow-and-arrow from the backseat to use as a defense

22. Allow you the opportunity to act as archer because, well, he's driving, but you just know that he would totally do it himself if he could

23. Explain that he just so happened to have the bow-and-arrow in his car, and that he did NOT go on that hunting trip you guys have been talking about for months without you

24. High-five you when you manage to puncture one of the cops' tires

25. Share a humorous glance with you in a suddenly slow and sweet moment, and remark that you make a good team, like some kind of modern-day yet old-school Starsky and Hutch, or Robin Hood and his sidekick or something

26. Spend five minutes debating whether Robin Hood even had a sidekick when your friend asks, "Did Robin Hood even have a sidekick?"

27. Wikipedia the answer while driving to learn that, yes, Robin Hood had a sidekick named Little John, portrayed in Disney's Robin Hood as an anthropomorphic bear

28. Apologize when you realize you're all out of arrows

29. Explain that he only had one arrow handy because he used all the others hunting this past weekend

30. Try to recover after he realizes that he slipped up and told you about the hunting trip

31. Tell you that you two will discuss it later so that he can refocus his efforts on this high-speed police chase

32. Swerve right when he's about to hit a tree

33. Swerve left when he's about to hit one of those traffic-divider-barrel things that they fill with water

34. Ask if you're okay when the car flips four times and rolls into a nearby ravine

35. Carry you as he flees into the woods when you've broken both your legs

36. Find a random treehouse for you both to take cover in

37. Pretend to hold you hostage to use as a bartering tool against the officers that are now surrounding the treehouse

38. Consider your opinions and desires when deciding what deal points should be included in your negotiations with law enforcement

39. Ask for impunity for you both when this is all over

40. Not mind much when he realizes that his pretending to take you hostage has implicated only himself in this whole ordeal, and has in fact given you a perceived innocence, much the way Walter White did to Skyler in that Emmy-winning third-to-last episode of Breaking Bad, sorry, spoiler alert.

41. Give himself up when he realizes things have gone too far

42. Not blame you for setting into motion this chain of illegal events that are somehow now mostly his fault

43. Ponder what he's done as he sits in a jail cell alone, awaiting trial

44. Wrap his arms around you in a warm embrace when you finally see him in court

45. Not mind when you testify against him, thus solidifying a unanimous guilty verdict from the jury, resulting in a ten-year prison sentence

46. Reminisce with you when you visit him in prison

47. Not tell you that he's planning a jailbreak, so as not to implicate you and burden you any further with his sordid, troubled life

48. Sympathize with you when you manage to get charged with a rather minor tax evasion charge and receive a 30-day sentence in, as fate would have it, the same prison

49. Tell you to look for a package in a hayfield in Maine when your sentence ends at the end of the month

50. Include money in the package, as well as a note telling you to meet him in Zihuatanejo, a coastal town in Mexico

51. Meet you with open arms when you finally arrive in Zihuatanejo

52. Talk about how awesome The Shawshank Redemption really is, and how it still totally holds up after all these years

53. Realize it's been twenty-one years since The Shawshank Redemption came out, because, remember, he's been incarcerated for ten years, so it's 2025 by now

54. Have a mid-life crisis

55. Decide to go buy some drinks to cope with your shared feelings of regret

56. Laugh heartily when you say, "...Or we can just hang out at my place!", comedically referencing the events of that fateful night ten years ago and the resulting damaging effects that dictated your life from that point forward

57. Finally ask you why your license was suspended ten years ago

58. Not judge you when you respond, "I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die."

59. Laugh again when he asks you how that only resulted in your license being suspended and you say, "Oh, no, I didn't get caught for that. But on the way home I got pulled over for a broken taillight and pissed on the cop."

60. Be comfortable enough with you to finally confess that your Ed Hardy shirt really did make you look like a tool that night

61. Share his ice cream with you

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