In what has fast become the most devastating and scandalous political crisis in the history of Western democracy, Indiana Governor and Republican Vice Presidential candidate Mike Pence shifted the earth on its axis last Saturday when he tweeted this:
Busy weekend in NY! Enjoying a quick dinner with the family at @Chilis. Looking forward to getting back to Indiana.
Yes. That's right. Chili's.
After appearing at a press conference in New York City's Trump Tower to make his first formal appearance as the running mate of Home Alone 2 star Donald Trump, the alleged family man deemed it a responsible decision to stop for provisions at an East Rutherford Chili's Grill & Bar before making his disgraced exit from the foodie-ridden tri-state area via New Jersey's Teterboro Airport. It is unclear at this time if the governor's aides cleared air traffic to expedite the inevitably sickened governor's trip back to his Indiana-based toilet, and the candidate's camp has neither confirmed nor denied rumors that the plane was rerouted to drop a frozen block of his post-Quesadilla Explosion Salad "explosion" over Chappaqua.
1. This peaceful T.G.I. Friday's on Fifth Avenue.
2. This majestic Panera Bread, less than ten blocks further.
3. This fittingly gold-plated Beer Authority, seemingly designed by Overlord-elect Master Donald J. Trump himself...
4. ...or the somehow-not-appealing "Golden Krust" three doors down.
5. The maintenance catwalk on the New Jersey side of the Lincoln Tunnel.
6. This appetizing expanse of Berrys Creek, a heavily polluted tributary of the Hackensack River.
7. The vending machines at this patriotic BP gas station in North Bergen...
8. ...or this equally mouthwatering Sunoco down the road.
9. The candy near the register at this Staples, graced by the presence of God.
10. The nearby seedy strip club marketing itself to the office-supply and back-to-school shopping crowd.
11. The water cooler at this modestly festive Toyota dealership.
12. ANY OF THESE OTHER PLACES in the SAME SHOPPING CENTER as the East Rutherford Chili's.
13. These two tranquil benches in front of the East Rutherford Chili's.
14. This rolling valley of dirt behind the East Rutherford Chili's.
15. This private dumpster area beside the East Rutherford Chili's.
16. This secluded and even more appetizing expanse of Berrys Creek, mere yards away from Teterboro Airport.
17. This quaint little garbage can across the street from the Teterboro runway.
18. The exclusive, low-profile sewer system beneath the airport.
But if all else fails...
19. Turn the car around for a world-class TACO BOWL at the TRUMP TOWER GRILL!
Happy #CincoDeMayo! The best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill. I love Hispanics! https://t.co/ufoTeQd8yA
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