How Much Would Each Presidential Candidate Charge You For A Drink?

Our nation has been blessed with one of the most hilariously terrifying presidential elections since any millennial can remember. If you have yet to allow yourself to be swayed by the media, please base your opinions of the candidates off of how much they'd charge you for a drink at their bar.

Donald Trump

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The cocktails at the Trump Tower in Chicago cost between $18-$81!!!! Do you really want a president that would make you pay $18 for a drink? That doesn't include tip I'm talking $18 just for the drink.

Hillary Clinton

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Hil would charge you $8 MAX for a fancy drink like a Moscow Mule or Bud Light Platinum ($10 if you make over $200k).

Bernie Sanders

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Bernie would be handing out free PBR at his bar. You'd be sitting there, thankful, but wondering where all of this free PBR is coming from. Whatever, it's not your place to ask those sort of questions, so enjoy.

Ted Cruz

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Ted Cruz doesn't own the bar but he hangs around in the corners of it sometimes. He'd buy you the first drink, but then creepily follow you all night until you buy him one.

Ben Carson

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Ben Carson charges you $19 for a drink because he knows Trump charges $18. Ben Carson also does not allow women into his bar. Ben Carson owns a gay bar but he doesn't quite know he owns a gay bar.

Marco Rubio

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Marco Rubio can't get into any bar because no bouncer believes he's above drinking age. He sits outside and asks if people can pass back their IDs, but no one helps.

Jeb Bush

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So Jeb would only charge you $5 for a drink but you have to talk to him while he cries all night.

Mike Huckabee

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Mike Huckabee will serve you the best old fashioned you'll ever have and then tell you it's $65. He will then proceed to scream when you don't leave a tip.

John Kasich

Red State / Via redstate.com

Kasich gives you a free beer bong of Busch Light so long as you say you're rooting for Ohio State.

Carly Fiorina

The Rooster / Via therooster.com

Carly charges you $14 for a drink but just ends up round-house kicking you in the face. A humbling experience, really.