1.You'll be able to see your toes, without even bending.
2.But bending will make the backs of your knees scream.
3.Your thighs will become steel girders of awesome, on which you will build a mighty fortress.
4.But your tits will go from ( . ) ( . ) to (.) (.)
5.You'll be able to travel at the speed of a bus, without a burning sensation at the back of your throat and pounding in your chest.
6.But sometimes your saliva will become so thick you wonder if you’re actually part lizard.
7.You will develop calves that look like upside-down conference pears.
8.And you'll no longer be able to fit your glorious stems into high-street jeans.
9.But you won’t give a flying toss because you’re too busy jogging down the high street like Sylvester Stallone in Rocky.
10.Your cheeks will shrink and harden like coral.
11.So, for the first time in your life, you’ll have an actual jawline.
12.Your arms will shrink. Probably from all the pretending to be Usain Bolt as you jog slowly past Costcutter.
13.You’ll sleep like a baby. Well, not like a baby – you won’t shit yourself, hopefully – but you’ll sleep really well.
14.During a run you’ll have sweat not just down your back, but under your boobs, between your boobs, all over your boobs, down your bum crack, behind your ears, on the inside of your elbows, and across your top lip.
15.And you’ll keep sweating, even in the shower afterwards.
16.Your collarbones will emerge from under your neck like a bridge from the mist.
17.Those flat bum cheeks will swell with pride. And muscle.
18.Your body will start walking, willingly, into Sports Direct on an alarmingly regular basis.
19.And your hand will start handing over the cost of six pizzas in exchange for a pair of trainers.
20.You will start running in insanely unflattering underwear to stop your buttocks eating your pants as you stride.
21.But you will feel hella good when you get gussied up into your nice smalls.
22.Your body will feel like a capable, reliable, admirable machine, designed to actually get you places.
23.And your mind will be lighter, less anxious, cleaner, and more resilient than it was before.