12 Elevator Users That Need To Re-Evaluate Their Life

An elevator is the urinal of inter-floor transport: get in, stand there, shush, and get out. Yet some people think it's a place where they can do whatever they want. It's these dickheads.

1. The chivalrous gentleman

Via giphy.com

Once upon a time men were expected to be benevolently sexist because women weren't strong enough to open doors and they needed protection from being crushed by those new-fangled mechanical doors on elevators. Nowadays women are fully capable individuals but some douche-bags continue to stand there, at the front of the door escorting women out first. It's 2016, just get the fuck out of the way.

2. The loud breather

This person may have run to get here, because you can hear every gasp and wheeze of inhalation and exhalation. We don't care why you have poor lung capacity so instead why don't you hold your breath for the entire trip! If you pass out at any point, it would be some fun live theatre for the rest of us

3. The Smoker

This dirty social pariah has just ducked out for their 11th smoke break and is trailing a noxious miasma right into your confined and personal space. They think sucking on a mint stops them from smelling like a smoldering tire fire. Take up e-cigarettes and stop being a so selfish.

4. Single floor slob

This lazy piece of shit wants to hold you up so that they can avoid taking the 10 seconds of exercise that using the stairs would involve.

5. The eater

This slob is going to eat his take-away lunch at his desk but can't wait to tuck into his kebab and share with you the sounds, sites and smells of his face stuffing. Also, people who decide its ok to tuck into an apple in an elevator, WTF?

Them- *crunch,slurp,chew*

Me -*punch*

6. The over-courteous door holder

Holding the door open is common courtesy, do it. But don't spot someone 50 meters away and think you will hold up the other 10 people in the lift, just so this person can avoid waiting another 30 seconds for the next lift. Let's just get this shit moving.

7. The “Breath in” LOL bitch

So the lift is kind of full and it stops at a floor for more people waiting to get in, there's space for 1 or 2 more. This person, who can't stoically accept close proximity with strangers without a nervous comment is compelled to say, "Breath in everybody, hehe".

STFU

8. Mrs. “tut” in a hurry

This bitch has to catch the 5.06pm bus or she’ll miss the train transfer to the western suburbs line and it’s 5.02pm and every new stop at a floor is a personal attack on her way of life. So she tuts and mummers under her breath at every second being stolen from her by other elevator users. She also once heard that if you hold down the Ground button it will skip the floors and go straight down, it has never worked but she tries it every day, this also gives her the opportunity to stay standing at the door so she can scuttle out first. Don’t get in her way, she did her grocery shopping on her lunch break and she will take you out with her no-name 2kg bag of potatoes.

9. The lunch envier

This person is probably on a diet, with the smell of lettuce and fat-free vinaigrette on their breath they can't help the Pavlovian response of saying "mmm doesn't that smell good!" when someone else enters the lift carrying something hot with a side of fries. Back off bitch!

10. Oblivious door blocker

This asshole stands at the front or in the middle of the floor and doesn’t think about how it would be a good idea to let other people get in or out. He’s probably wearing headphones too, he’s effectively saying he doesn’t want to exist in society at present, so he shouldn’t. Dead.

11. The discrete Bottom

This person is either also oblivious to his surrounds or subconsciously wants someone to enter them from behind, because they will back up against you until there is literally just a centimeter separating your privates and their butt-hole. They want you to breathe down their neck and sniff their hair. What a sicko.

12. The man who makes mouth noises

This is the worst person in the world. Always a man, he exists in more places than just the elevator but it's in the elevator that you notice him and can't stop noticing how he is moving his lips with wet smacking noises, not to chew, or to breath, he's just moving his god-damned mouth and putting you in mind of what perhaps negrophilic acts performed on dead sea creatures might sound like.