13 Things To Write After You've Been Ignored

Sure, you could accept the fact that they don't want to talk to you, or you could write something clever and end the conversation that has already ended on a good note :)

1. "It's a good thing you didn't respond. I have the swine flu anyways."

Good. Let them question every decision ever. Did they touch you recently? Drink from the same cup? Breathe the same air? As they think of all these possibilities, they will suddenly start itching everywhere for no particular reason, and won't be able to control it. In all candor, they'll probably be wondering if you sent the virus virtually through that text message. They'll regret ignoring your previous text (or ten), and most likely send a response, anything from "I hope you're feeling better," to "Please have mercy on me, I'll do your dishes for the next sixty- three days".

2. "It must suck not having unlimited texting..."

Because it really does. And anyways, that's the reason they ignored your previous text(s), right? Some people just can't afford unlimited text messages. Sucks for them that it'll cost around five cents to receive this. Don't feel guilty at all, they brought this on themselves.

3. "Please don't show up at my funeral."

No, but like literally just don't. I'm not about to grant you the right to show up at my funeral in an unflattering black dress and cry about my death. Sorry babe, but people like you don't deserve to do that. You should have thought about that before you ignored my "Hey, how are you?" or "Do you want anything from Chipotle?" text. A bunch of other people die too, though. Maybe if you respond to them you'll be allowed at their funerals.

4. "OMG my house is on fire, respond ASAP!"

Luckily for us losers who make ourselves susceptible to being ignored, this line has a three percent success rate. But for the other ninety- seven percent of the time- let's get real. If they didn't care about you enough to respond to your "Add me on Snapchat" text, then they certainly don't care in the slightest bit that you no longer have a home. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but that's just basic science. Look it up in a dictionary,

5. "I hope you get run over by a tractor- trailer."

Because that's exactly what they deserve. Do you even know what a tractor trailer is? Absolutely not. But that's okay, we're very flexible here. It would be just as satisfying to watch them being run over by a wheelbarrow. Or a monkey. Or a tricycle. Hey, don't give me that look! I'm not the one who ignored your "What's your Netflix password?" text...

6. "You should probably get checked."

There is absolutely a no percent chance they don't respond to this. But here's the catch- don't respond to their response. You're basically setting them up for failure. And the best part is, they'll have no idea what to get checked for! Lice, chlamydia, pregnancy, high blood pressure, AIDS? It must cost a small fortune to have all those areas checked out. But even more importantly- it'll take a shit load of time. Oops. Wouldn't it have been a lot less time consuming to have just responded to my "What are you doing this weekend?" text? Thought so. Now go to your room and think about what you've done.

7. "I think it's time for us to never talk again."

Because excuse me, no, life just doesn't work like that. You have the nerve to not respond to my "Long time no see" text, and then think you'll be allowed to talk to me again? Don't call me in six months telling me your dog died, or in two years to tell me about your engagement. I don't care. You no longer exist. Think before you act, and next time don't ignore the only good person in your life (That would be me, in case you didn't realize).

8. "Kewl!"

Because that's exactly what they are. Can you possibly think of any other adjective to describe the person who ignored your "What are you wearing Friday night?" text? The answer is no. No response= nothing. So you're wearing nothing to the party! We are so proud of you. We'll send you a get well soon card. Not to be mean or anything, but you don't exactly have the best body. I recommend putting on at least a little clothing. You still wanna wear nothing? Okay, kewl!

9. "... I heard someone stole your identity."

The object of the game is to get them to spend several hours calling different credit card companies and checking out different accounts. That only seems fair, considering you spent hours waiting for them to respond to your "Guess who just followed me on Instagram!?" text. We're not cruel here. We just want people to get what they deserve- an eye for an eye. Kinda like the Code of Hammurabi. Don't know what that is? Well the next time you're waiting for someone to respond to your text (stop waiting, I promise you they're not responding), conduct a Google search. You'll learn fast, research is good for the mind anyways.

10. "I'm removing you on all forms of social media."

Because absolutely not. You cannot just ignore my text and then get to see what my virtual life is like. You are now going to miss out on everything ever. My two hundred second Snapchat stories every time I leave the house. The videos of my dog chasing his own tail on Facebook. Those Instagram posts of the cake I baked my sister for her high school graduation six years ago. They have a word for people like you. I's called FOMO, because that's exactly how you'll feel when everyone else stops everything they're doing to read my latest post, while you sit there awkwardly, stroking your big toe.

11. "Would you like to come with me on an all- expenses paid trip to the Bahamas?"

Let me tell ya something, the answer to this is going to be yes. The key is dragging it out as long as possible. When they respond "Yes!", say "Crap, you took too long to respond, so I asked Brenda. I'll send you a postcard." And do so. Print one off of Google. Invite Brenda over and put some orange juice in a fancy glass. Put on those new sunglasses from CVS. Squeeze into your little sister's bikini top she got in third grade from Walmart. And violá! Now all you need to do is take some selfies and upload them to social media.

12. "Look out your window :)"

I recommend this one for when a girl ignores your booty call. The nerve she has! She could have, at the very least, responded that she was already asleep. Or with her grandmother. Or on her period. Or that she has gotten significantly uglier since you've seen her last. But she didn't, so she deserves to freak out at the thought of you actually being outside her window. At the very least, she'll get all worked up over the fact that she's wearing ugly pajamas and her thighs look fat. She may call the police though, but that's okay. You'll just explain to them that she ignored your text message, and they'll certainly understand.

13. "Hey, did you receive my last text message?"

I do not recommend this one, whatsoever. Of course they received it. Of course your mother or your boyfriend or your childhood best friend or your great grandmother received your text and chose to ignore it. If life's taught you nothing else, it's taught you to jump to conclusions. After all, you're always right, and everyone else is always wrong.